Triggers.

Triggers are events, places, things, or situations that spark symptoms of a disorder such as post-traumatic stress disorder or depression. In my little spiral work notebook, I worked on a list of my triggers. I don't necessarily know what state they trigger, whether they are related to panic disorder or bipolar disorder, or whether they're really just things I don't like, but I want to be as aware as possible.

Triggers

Meetings before class

• The rush this creates is intolerable. I feel utterly panicked and trapped, and I question everything. Xanax in advance helps, but I still feel this. 

Breathing trouble
Preparation for car trips
Loud, rhythmic noises (barking, alarms, loud crying)
Lack of sunlight or access to sunlight

• Josh has seen me nearly lose my composure over broken blinds. Gloomy days usually prompt depression. 

Getting interrupted

• This one is mostly because I feel like the person wasn't listening at all. If he or she interrupts and then says, "Okay, so you were saying this...," and can actually repeat me, it doesn't really bother me. 

Not being able to talk when I need to

• I'll bounce my leg and tap my fingers or just collapse into myself.

Impersonal nicknames

• I react badly to innocuous names like sweetie, honey, and such. These make me feel I'm just like everyone else. And I'd rather be nothing. I love nicknames, but they have to be uniquely mine or somehow unusual.

Lack of water access
Hunger
Jealousy

• The slightest thing can spark this, anything that makes me doubt or question my place, my identity with a person. How ever mild, and how ever much I know it's all fine, this usually creates something like rapid cycling over the next minutes or hours. I don't even have to feel jealous.

Upset plans
Busy restaurants
Spiders

• My terror defies logic. It's almost heart-stopping. 

Lost items (shoes, jackets)
Being tired in public
Checking work E-mail

• I have to set my inbox so that I can only see two or three messages at a time. Still, I often avoid my work E-mail, which of course helps nothing. 

Grading
Counter service

• I can bear table-service restaurants most of the time now (and that's pretty new), but counter service stresses me horribly. I'd just as soon sit down and not eat. 

Prolonged cold

• I've always been cold-natured, but now, cold leads to painful shaking and muscle spasms. I think some of this is because of lithium, but it's also how heightened (positively or negatively) the senses are in mania. 

Others' mistakes on the details of my preferences

• This is obviously one that reveals how difficult I can be. I build everything up in my mind. So if I don't get what I expect, even if it's a sandwich without mayonnaise, I feel myself spinning into irritated despair. 

Lack of repetition and reinforcement

• My mom used to say I had a hole in my love bucket. I do need constant refilling, even in a secure relationship. 

Mess
Missing essentials (socks, cups)
Changed decor in a familiar place

• I can feel a change, but I don't usually recognize it right away. That feeling of change makes me feel I'm losing my grip on safety and sanity. 

Twisted or uneven blankets
White noise

• Fans, noisemakers, static from the monitor, and other background sounds that soothe many people are maddening for me. They feel invasive and threatening.