Things That Shouldn't Be Scary.

• A person braiding someone else's hair in fast, distorted motion. White knuckles quick as spiders.
• Josh with a full beard.
• What I see out of the corner of my eye. 
• Pool toys that have sunk to the bottom.
• Dragonflies.
• Sunken boats in aquariums.
• Memories of giving birth.
• Staying overweight.
• People drinking.
• Not having a surface to write on.
• Certain extremely long books.
• The possibility that I am permanently no longer as smart as I was.
• Small gaps in my short-term memory.
• Chores to which I have a strong resistance that borders on fear.
• Mannequins (museums, not malls).
• The thought of teaching again.

Dealing with Pain.

"I did the only thing I could do to deal with my pain." --Alexandra Stoddard

What can I do to deal with my pain? What have I done? I hope I'm not holding onto it. It lifts sometimes.

Writing is my primary outlet. If it's on paper, it rests, at least for a while. I can coach myself through the pain. Pain can also help me build something new. I build little castles of words where the pain can live.

I let others hold it. Being on the phone with Mom calms me down. Josh watches me closely. Bruce listens endlessly.

When I'm hurting, reading is nearly impossible. But if I try and don't let frustration (and then pain) win, I can usually experience a reader's peace. I focus away from the pain or fear. I feel constructive. I give my mind something new to gnaw on.