What Trauma Has Taught Me.

• I have no idea what people are capable of doing.
• I don't know much more about what I'm capable of doing.
• I needed to add to my relationships because it's healthy and so I won't be alone if one or two people leave.
• I'm stronger than I could have thought possible.
• I need to cry regularly, even though my ability to cry has diminished.
• I easily forget to eat when I'm under stress.
• Josh doesn't necessarily need my help.
• People can be incredibly generous if they know what one needs.
• Varying degrees of forgiveness exist.
• My brain is not trustworthy during or soon after a trauma.
• Memory is full of holes.
• "Some hurts never heal" (Next to Normal).
• Wearing my own clothes steadies me during a crisis.
• I need something to reach for, something that is familiar, at all times.
• Sometimes, I can do my best or even get everything right, and it's not good enough.
• I have to stay alive how ever I can.

Turning a Coping Mechanism into a Coping Strategy.

I think of a coping mechanism as something that a person does not really think though. It's an automatic response to stressors. I think of coping strategies as pre-meditated, deliberate, healthier ways to deal with stressors. Using strategies requires a lot of self-awareness, courage, and practice. I'm thinking about some of my mechanisms and how I might change them to strategies.

1) Excessive silence and stillness. This can come over me suddenly, and I often can't break it. I call it the Tin Man--a sort of paralysis. Since it's not in my control, I have to build practices that will makes my body stop thinking that it needs the Tin Man to keep me safe or sane. So what can I do?

• Read. If only a poem or a piece of flash fiction. It will engage my brain and distract it.
• Talk. I need to tell someone that I'm getting frozen and why (if I know). 
• Trance writing. This was highly problematic when I taught, but at home, I can let myself write desperate nonsense until some clarity comes to my writing and my mind.

2) Soda. I love soda. I could chain-drink it all day. But I know I have used it as a distraction far more than is healthy for my body and my teeth. If I'm stressed or shocked, I reach for a Cherry Coke.

• Quit. I've done this a couple of times, hoping to break the habit and lose weight. I didn't lose weight. Right now, I buy the tiny 8 oz. cans.
• Substitute. I don't like diet sodas. I have milk, apple juice, and sometimes iced coffee. They can cause their own problems, but having beverage options helps.
• Drink more water. I can have as much water as I want. I like that feeling of abundance and gratitude.
• Have Icebreakers Cinnamon Sugar-Free Mints. They're good for when I just need some flavor.
• Take a Xanax. Sometimes, the anxiety is too strong, and I really need help that nothing carbonated can give me.

3) Shopping. I love shopping. I'm not indiscriminate unless I'm quite manic (buying three sets of coasters when we already have coasters. Buying almost identical T-shirts). I love finding new treasures that can become part of my life. I like seeing what people have made or dreamt up. I'm calmer when I know I have plenty of what I need (especially writing tools, books, and comfortable clothes). So how can I keep it under control? 

• Shop my house. I have some pretty decorative boxes above my kitchen cabinets, and I don't know what they hold. Stationery, letters, rubber stamps? I can take them down and see what I can use right now. My desk holds notepads, pens, and stationery. Again, I can dig around and find something to use right now. I can explore my wardrobe for clothes I've forgotten. 
• Window shop online. This one can be dangerous, but it can also help me have fun as if I'm shopping without actually spending any money. I go to a favorite site (Loft, Target, Amazon, Papaya!) and search it thoroughly and fill my cart, adding discounts I find (a bonus satisfaction). Then, I close the page and let it go.

If I have some money, the issue is not so much whether or not I spend it but how I will avoid buying something that isn't all that special or necessary. So I have some guidelines.

• Enjoy buying useful basics like a plain black T-shirt.
• Buy beautiful items. If the work, designs, colors, or details grab me hard, be it a sweater or a notebook, I'm going to pause. If it's also useful, I may make it mine. 
• Buy what's rare. If it's on sale at Loft with an extra 40% off, and I love it, it's probably going to happen. If I see something special and just know I'll never see it again (or never be able to afford it again), I may buy it. 
• Buy what will enrich life. A candle I burn while I take a bath. A pair of unbelievable theatre tickets. A big pink robe to wear when the boys want the AC on.
• Hold it. If I'm someplace like Target or Michael's, I'll hold my favorite items as I shop. I sort of feel out what owning these items would be like. Then, I put away the items that don't speak to me.
• Let it simmer. If I see something special at the mall, I'll continue shopping. When I'm ready to leave, I may go back for the item if I kept thinking about it. If not, I let it go.

I'm always trying to find and develop coping strategies. When almost every moment is a struggle, I need all the mindful coping I can manage.

Sensory Distractions.

Two nights ago, I broke down. Oliver challenged me beyond my coping ability, and I started to cry and think dark thoughts about myself. Perhaps the scariest part was that the dark thoughts weren't scary--they were soothing. Josh got home from an errand, and I told him I might need to go to a hospital. Bruce was on standby too. Josh found information for the local crisis center.

Hoping to get stable on my own, I decided to try sensory distraction. Back rubs or tickles from Josh almost always help me, so I experimented. Josh had brought home a root beer, so I drank that while taking a bath with Epsom salts. Then, I read poems aloud. I didn't exactly feel better, but I felt sane. Bruce also wrote me an E-mail that reminded me that in many ways, I am who I want to be.

The next day, I kept up the sensory distraction. I saw my therapist and talked about my word of the year. I got a cherry Sprite from Sonic. I was driving a lot, so when I had a one-hour gap before I could pick up Josh, I stopped at Michaels. I pulled in the colors to paint my darkened mind. I looked at planner stickers and pretty boxes. The night was too cold for walking, so Bruce and I went to Barnes. I spent a long time in the journals and in the children's area. I liked that Barnes had a shelf just for Newbery Award winners. I flipped through Seventeen to look at articles on makeup. I looked at Victoria magazine (which I couldn't reach. Luckily, Bruce is 6 ft. tall). I sort of bathed in comforts and in reminders of my self.

I have to make good choices for my well-being. I need ways to combat the disease when it reaches to choke me. Bits of strength can change everything.

Odd Little Actions That Soothe Me.

I'm learning that particularly with bipolar disorder, I have to grab anything healthy that will give me peace or joy, even for a few minutes.

• Reading the names and descriptions of Urban Decay eyeshadows. 
• Reading the names of nail polishes.
• Going to Target's website, searching for a color (pink, teal, violet...), and scrolling through all the monochromatic items, letting the color and consistency wash over me.
• Sometimes turning the shower on cold.
• Getting ink stains and a callous on my middle finger.
• Reading Wikipedia summaries of horror movies (though I sometimes actually go to the movies now!
• Stealing mini Oreos from Josh.
• Downing half a water bottle at once.
• Writing with the same pens I loved when I was 14.
• Organizing my clothes by color.
• Flipping through expensive art journaling magazines at Barnes.

Tasks That Could Soothe Bipolar Disorder Symptoms.

• Frame and display a photo of people who have loved and supported you. Seeing the photo will remind you that you are not alone.
• Play with color. Color a page in a coloring book (for adults or kids), arrange your books by color, or put together a few colorful outfits for coming events.
• Dress to feel empowered. Clothes influence us and others, which is why they can be well worth your time, money, and consideration.
• Take one of your favorite childhood books and read it alone. If you don't own your favorite childhood books, buy them--not for your children but for yourself. 
• Rearrange the blankets on your bed. A smooth bed is so soothing.
• Buy a new book. Invest in your future relaxation and happiness (and get to them as quickly as possible).
• Take a bath. I know that even a 5- or 10-minute bath can reset me.
• Read poems aloud. You don't have to "get" them. Just give your brain something to chew on besides itself.
• Go for a brisk walk. Don't think about weight loss; think about where and how you want to be strong.
• Remove as many small discomforts as possible. Tags in your clothes, underclothes that are too tight, mediocre pillows...They are a big deal. Fix them.
• In every room of your home, be sure something reminds you of what you love. I don't just mean your kids; I mean something connected to your life-sustaining passion. By the way, I think it is wise to have a life-sustaining passion that is not connected to or dependent on one's children. 
• Use sunshine. If you're at home and the sun is out, try to move your activities with the sun. My guest room gets great afternoon light, so I sometimes write or read there in the afternoon.
• Go public (when you're ready). I recently "came out" to most of the people I know--they all know I have bipolar disorder. It's a relief. Those closest to me already knew. But I even extended it to Facebook and made this blog public. I didn't want to hide it if it might help someone.
• Just say, "I love you." Do this for someone who has never heard it from you. Who knows when he or she last heard it at all?

Dealing with Pain.

"I did the only thing I could do to deal with my pain." --Alexandra Stoddard

What can I do to deal with my pain? What have I done? I hope I'm not holding onto it. It lifts sometimes.

Writing is my primary outlet. If it's on paper, it rests, at least for a while. I can coach myself through the pain. Pain can also help me build something new. I build little castles of words where the pain can live.

I let others hold it. Being on the phone with Mom calms me down. Josh watches me closely. Bruce listens endlessly.

When I'm hurting, reading is nearly impossible. But if I try and don't let frustration (and then pain) win, I can usually experience a reader's peace. I focus away from the pain or fear. I feel constructive. I give my mind something new to gnaw on.

How to Reset.

Reseting is an important skill for anyone. It helps the body and mind heal from internal pain or struggle. It also helps one face the world again.

Some people might do this with a glass of wine or a long drive. But for people with bipolar disorder, the reset may be much more complicated, and it's more critical because one can only bear the darkness so long. One might need multiple resetting techniques. Here are some of mine. I was diagnosed two years ago, so I'm just getting started.

• Listen to music and pace or dance. 
• Clean something (this can help take the energy out of a rage).
• Go to or watch a movie. I get totally distracted.
• Take a nap or just lie alone in the dark.
• Make happy lists like goals and wishes.

Digging the Dread out of Life.

I've struggled with dread for many years. When I was a child, I wrestled with guilt. Before I left my job last year, I felt dread over it every day. I might feel dread over almost anything: a chore, an appointment, even just getting out of bed. It's sickening and almost paralyzing. Medication and therapy have helped a lot, but I still find myself dreading even activities I know I'll love.

I don't often delve in and question the dread. What could it be about? Often, for great chunks of my life, I have seen the world as a generally good place where things work out. That belief has been bruised or worse in recent years. I'm glad to know now that at least some of this is due to bipolar disorder and panic disorder.

The best ways I've found to deal with dread so far are preparation and distraction. If I have to take Oliver to an appointment, I gather all the paperwork I could need, figure out what to wear, and go over directions with Josh the day before. I've also found that showtunes distract me as I get ready or do a dreadful chore. Any other structure or routine, like posting on my blog first thing in the morning, can help too. I keep looking for small solutions.

What I Need to Accept about Myself.

For the last few weeks, I've been so absorbed in Oliver's special needs that I've barely considered my own. I almost forget it's real, and I know that's dangerous.

• I need to accept that I have a serious illness. I have to stay aware and informed, learning all I can.
• I need to accept that I will sometimes have doubts about this.  Doubts are okay, but I have to keep going.
• I need to accept that I will almost certainly be on medication for the rest of my life.
• Worse, I need to accept that medication won't work perfectly. Frequent, frustrating changes and adjustments will be part of my life. 
• I do need friends. And they can help me with the rest.

In Life's Backpack.

This is Diana Sidorevich's thought.

I think a strong sense of self and purpose need to line the backpack. This may grow out of religious or spiritual practice.

Literacy is next for me. I think that if I could still keep and use my literacy, I could bear a lot. Besides, reading is one of the best ways to learn. Reading is always required and always available.

Self-expression is the other side of literacy. My backpack would, at the very least, hold a pen and a notebook. Of course, expression will take different forms for different people. My mom might have knitting needles and yarn in her backpack.

Medication: for some people, this is vital. It's not perfect--it's just another tool. But without it, items may begin to disappear from the backpack.

WRAP: Wellness Recovery Action Plan.

A group Mary Ellen Copeland led created this plan. It reminds me that I should work on the Bipolar II workbook. I'm sure it will help even if I have Bipolar I.

I like that it's an action plan--not something philosophical. I wonder if a template exists.

I'll start with what I think Wellness and Recovery mean for me.

Wellness

1. 8 hours of sleep with little interruption
2. Normal weight (not over)
3. Three normal meals 
4. Regular exercise that gets easier as I get fitter.
5. Dental work
6. Regular quality time with Josh
7. Regular therapy

Recovery

1. Little heavy resistance
2. Knowledge about my disease
3. Feeling more able to tell my story
4. Better ability to manage or debunk stress
5. Pliable sadness--not the anvil of depression
6. Ability to engage in my favorite activities and enjoy them. 

So how do I get there?

• Resume abs and other exercises
• Walk more. Walk to Bruce's for walks and movies
• Complete bipolar workbook
• Read another book on BSD
• Schedule time for Josh and me
• Push myself to read or write even if it's just a little
• Soothe stress with music
• Schedule appointments well ahead

What Opens Me to the World.

Books do. I go to another world, but it sometimes makes my old world seem...better than it was somehow. But a book will often fill me with questions and ideas, and typically, I can't find someone with whom to share those questions and ideas. That's another way of opening to the world--talking when it's risky.

Shows do it. I think about the lives of these touring actors. I speculate about someone other than myself. And shows me give me new ideas about the world and new ways to interact with it. If people can be so talented...what's their story? What do they do every day to improve? How does this affect the rest of the family? These talented people are gifts.

Music does this because I can pack an experience or problem into a song, and it's contained, though precariously. Music is so eclectic, so I can always find something I need. The memories or problems stay in the song until I'm ready for them.

Learn How to Be Free.

These lyrics from Pippin made me think about myself and what that freedom means. For me, it would be free of dread. How can I move toward that?

I need to rethink the job situation. I was able to leave my job because my husband has a good job. I'm blessed. Work generated a great deal of dread in me as I got increasingly ill. My son was also diagnosed with autism, so my being home for appointments and such makes sense.

But I notice that dread can creep up anywhere. If I haven't kept up with laundry or dishes, I become stressed and want to avoid the task even more. Pushing through tasks as early as possible may help.

Reading makes me feel free. I need to take advantage of that and also try new genres or unusual books.

Scribbling and writing stories or poems lifts weight from me every time.

When I Have Not Been Afraid.

I wasn't very afraid about the plays I was in at 10 and 11. I wasn't afraid of Irish Step Dancing. I wasn't afraid really afraid of teaching my first college courses. I tend to think that things that don't scare me are healthy for me.

But so much of the time, I have been afraid. I didn't realize how much. That deep drudge of dread...interactions, tasks, others' standards, my own standards, anything that might give me a sort of waking nightmares, make me scared to shower, or keep me from entering rooms or from sleeping at night. Will I ever be less afraid (talking on the phone, making appointments...)?

I wasn't very afraid of childbirth before or even during. But after...yes, I was afraid in so many ways.

I've usually been less afraid when interacting directly with students. We all know our roles. I wasn't afraid to visit Bruce's house. I felt comfortable and safe there, which was quite unusual for me. I want to feel that way more often.

How to Feel Less Lonely.

A disability can feel incredibly isolating. A room full of people may be wildly overwhelming and still not meet the need for conversation (especially about the illness), connection, affection, or intimacy. Here are some ideas for pushing through the loneliness.

• Connect more deeply with characters in a book. Always be reading something with characters you can bond with, even if you're also reading other books or magazines that have no such thing.
• Casually visit your bookselves. Remember the experience of reading a particular book. Remember that book for which your imagining was so expansive that you can revisit that setting in your mind. 
• Happen upon an exciting book you've been saving for no good reason. Begin. 
• Write letters. If letters are too ambitious, find some lovely postcards (a museum gift shop?) to send. This may rekindle a relationship or at least bring you a response.
• If you're not actually alone and if it's appropriate, ask for hugs. Josh and I realized we were barely touching during the day. Now, I just walk into him for hugs. 
• Communicate (letter, call, visit, chat, E-mail) with someone you have neglected, such as an old friend or an inquisitve relative.

Affirmations for Stability.

Brief insights and images can be powerful for me. I include a few inside the cover of my journal, where I'm likely to see them every day. But I also decided to make a list of such affirmations, sentences that encompass what I need to believe and remember in order to remain stable. Even if I don't believe them now or every day, pondering them can help to reset my mind. Here are some of these affirmations:

• I am safe.
• I have joys to look forward to.
• I am deeply and wildly loved.
• I have earned self-confidence.
• It's okay for me to love myself.
• Indulgences are important.
• I embrace joy rather than guilt.
• Shame has no hold on me.
• A little bit of anything good adds up.
• Reading calms and fulfills me.
• I am a talented and capable writer.
• My writing matters to other people.
• I am capable of bringing others joy.
• Someone needs what I write.
• My beauty is not dependent on my weight.
• Feeling beautiful is okay.
• My intelligence and talent are not delusions or illusions.
• I distribute my limited energies well.
• Forgiveness surrounds me.
• I love my life.

I wonder what your most important affirmations are.