A Small Bouquet of Thoughts.

I feel sleepy and cold, as if I might die of shivering.

I know my body needs more rest. My brain, despite the cold, is sizzling a little. Sleep is water, and I feel parched.

I've been drinking Cherry 7-Up out of a wineglass. What more can I do to make the ordinary more special?

I am deeply blessed. I need to remember that when the mornings and afternoons end too quickly, when I struggle to read, when I have errands and appointments.

Oh, and I did the dishes today. It's not much, but it seemed like a slight relief for Josh. He knows I'm doing it for him. Without that, I'm a half-frozen, half-starved, directionless child. At least that's how I feel sometimes.

Why is cleaning, specifically, so hard? The thought of cleaning a bathroom sort of terrifies me, and I have no idea why.

So much of my disorders is still a mystery. I can't fight what I can't understand or predict.

I feel so many shapes of guilt. Even saying that I'm tired feels wrong. Bruce assures me that I deserve and need rest. Josh is as generous with me as he can be. But sometimes, I feel like a failed experiment.

My Flaws.

Flaws are inevitable, but recognizing them can give us awareness of and power over our faults. We can learn when to be extra careful. I think I'm aware of most of my flaws, but I'm sure others could add to the list.

• I can be self-absorbed. I'm a decent listener, but I'm often talking about myself or trying to get insight about myself from someone else. I'm deeply reflective on my own experience, and I"m always trying to learn new ways to take care of myself and handle my disease.
• I have trouble pronouncing words, sometimes even when the words are familiar.
• I can appear cold, especially if I'm using a persona as a shield.
• I can be cold and avoidant if I'm hurt to trying to work out a problem.
• I can be a bad friend. I can disappear for years with no explanations--I may not even know why. I sometimes feel ill-equipped to bond with and help or encourage another person.
• I have a tendency to be mean. I've worked hard on this as Josh could tell you. Of course, this mostly comes from fear.
• I don't cook. I got into cooking a few things for a while, but it's not a talent of mine.
• I can be a terrible house guest. I'm not very helpful because I feel totally lost in other people's houses, especially in their kitchens. I also may disappear suddenly and nap or lie down in a dark room when I get overwhelmed.
• I can be obsessive. I'm actually always obsessive; the object just changes. Luckily, my recent obsessive have been healthy (swimming) or at least not especially unhealthy. I will research the object and talktalktalk about it. 
• I'm susceptible to extremely rare health problems like HELLP syndrome. I also just have a pathetic immune system. 
• I can be jealous. This was much more of a problem before I began therapy and medication. I can also be possessive, but I think that can be positive in some ways.
• I can be insecure or clingy. The clingy part isn't necessarily related to insecurity. I can be highly affectionate. But yes, I have a hard time believing that a person loves and values me, so I need frequent reassurance (which is better than the constant need I had before my diagnosis). 
• I have a slightly shattered sense of self. After many terrible experiences, I still crawl around looking for who I am. I seek reminders--in my apartment, in my clothes and books, and in the people who love me most. I need people, as Madeleine L'Engle said, to "name me." This is related to the self-absorption or to what a kind teacher once called introspection. 

And oh, there are more!