3-5 Things.

 "The world, she knew in her madness, was littered with shiny bits and precious pieces...She pressed, reached, picked, and gathered."

~Kelly Barnhill, The Girl Who Drank the Moon 143

Josh and I have each struggled with depression since we were teenagers if not before that. I've been having a good month with no depressed days so far. Josh has been having a harder time. We've been trying to get more time together and more rest. We took a week-long break from news and social media. And I suggested that we start telling each other about good little things about each day. I said I'd tell five and he could tell three. We've been doing that every day (and sometimes the next morning). 

At a time when I was rather insane (likely a manic period) many years ago, I started my blog Sparkle Scribbles to force myself to notice the good in each day. This had a major impact on me, so I wanted to share that with Josh. I don't know if it's helped him, but I know it's been good for me. I make a space for the list in my journal each day. It's one more little light against the dark.

The Face of Wellness.

After my diagnosis a few years ago, I felt both enlightened and deeply confused. Part of me said "At last! I understand why I'm different and why so much of life has been so difficult and painful." But the rest of me only had questions:

• At what points in my life have I been sick?
• What does mania look like for me?
• What choices of mine were illness-driven-and for which choices can I forgive myself?

But though I had many questions about illness, I had even more about wellness:

• Am I capable of wellness if I do everything right? And am I capable of doing everything right?
• What does wellness look like for me?
• When have I been well in the past?
• What's me, and what's illness--and to what degree are these the same? Who will I be when I am well?

I know these are difficult questions. But I'm trying to identify symptoms, this time, of wellness.

• Low anxiety about ordinary actions like driving or checking out with a cashier.
• Engaged, happy reading.
• Moderate energy.
• Remembering to take my pills.
• Occasional, special shopping without compulsion.
• No desperate sorrow or exhausting happiness.
• Appropriate crying.
• Connecting with Oliver.
• Fluid thought.
• Fluid story telling.
• Regular writing.
• Smoother handwriting.
• Seeking laughter.

Full of Stories.

I think about stories in two ways: short stories I could write or read, and stories that grow out of life, of significant memories that I spin for someone (often more than once).

Since my mind began to heal with medication and therapy, I began to get ideas--a plot thought, a title, a bit of dialogue, and most often, a first line. I write them on the end papers of my journals. I used to copy them onto colorful pieces of cardstock. I can't see very far beyond the snippet there, but I feel the charge.

I've never gotten ideas this way before the last 18 months or so. I've usually felt like a dead end because I wrote well but lacked stories to write, so what good did it do? Now, though, they are mostly below the surface, but they are in me. I envied people or characters who were full of stories (such as Jo March), but I think that I may be too.

I've certainly learned that I'm full of personal stories. Some have become essays. Several could become a memoir. For now, I practice the telling. Sometimes, I retell a story to see if I can keep it interesting enough. But I know I'll always have others, story after story.

Metaphorical Muscles I Should Tone.

Hmm. I guess I need to tone my heart. I need to feel and show my love more. I think I'm still holding back with everyone to varying degrees. I can work on it with small gestures, thinking about what the other person needs to hear or experience. I need to heal and get fit again in my heart. If I can't connect enough to the people closest to me, how can I connect with fictional characters in my reading or, more importantly, in my work?

I need to tone up my right arm--my writing arm. I don't have much of a callous on my middle finger, which suggests that I haven't been writing enough. I write down prompts and interesting phrases--ideas I can return to when I feel up to it. But I need to get stronger. I should be writing more...becoming more literary in every way while staying faithful to myself.

I need to tone my ten fingers. I do personal and practice writing by hand. But a keyboard means product focus--working toward a piece...story, poem, novel pages, blog posts. I haven't been writing for product at all. I need to get back there. Will I have to wake up super early for that kind of workout?

I need to strength my mind. That may mean beating my head against an uninteresting, difficult, 600-page book. The attempt will sharpen my mind. But insightful, inspirational, and magical books are good for hope and recovery.