"I Kept Myself Alive." --Joyce Carol Oates.

I don't know where I got this or what the context was. I just found it written on sticky note in my last journal. The quotation makes me think of the movie Castaway, which I should probably see again.

Suicide attempts and mental illness bloom poison in my family. I've had to learn that I can't keep someone else alive. Nobody can keep me alive either, except briefly in a locked ward with restraints. I've never gotten there, and I hope I never will experience persistent thoughts of death or terrifying hallucinations that will drive me to such a place. But at that point, of course, I have to shout, "Help me! I can't keep myself alive anymore!" And that will pass my life onto that council member (Mom, Josh, Bruce), that intake person, that doctor, that paramedic. Yet even they will have limited power.

But as long as I don't get there, my main job is to keep myself alive. I have people whom I consider lifesavers, who are essential to my well-being. I have good memories to coat my brain. I have books and movies to make new ideas bloom and convince my brain that life is worthwhile. I have color to pierce the darkness. I have special objects (especially gifts) that help to tether me to the earth. I write to stay alive; I stay alive to write. As long as I have a tool and a surface, I will write, even if I have to write terrible words to purge my mind of its monsters. I have love. I have a child to whom I think I can be a good mother. I'm keeping myself alive.

Wanting to Live.

What keeps us alive and keeps us wanting life seemingly ought to be the big concepts: faith, love, family, friendship, and such. But I've found that, especially when I'm ill, I can't process anything so large. Instead, small bits hold me to life. Here are some of those:

• Oliver's dancing
• My mother's voice
• Josh's touch
• A nearly-full bottle of ink
• Dancing with James and Mom
• The Touchdown Squirrel 
• Dad's playing the piano
• Bruce's laugh
• Glittery pens
• Glitter in general
• Shane's crazy-long hair
• Michelle's Stitch (her dog) voice and character
• A Facebook comment from Keely
• An E-mail from Melissa
• The funny Jigsaw video
• Double-ended markers
• Sierra Boggess
• Button's (Mom's small rabbit) cleaning her stick-up ears
• Pink glitter makeup
• Organization by color
• Making Dad laugh
• Oliver's love of books
• Shane's worst-case reassurances
• Fresh sheets
• Hot baths
• Love notes
• Popcorn with Bruce
• Singing showtunes with James
• Mom's being excited to see me
• Something coming in the mail
• Dr. Pepper
• Sonic's cherry Sprite
• Musicals
• Josh's big, laughing smile
• A new or upcoming Francesca Lia Block book--one on writing comes out May 1...preordered!
• Pouches full of pens
• Cozy pants
• Wild violets springing through dead leaves at the park
• Mom's crafts
• Testing pens at a store
• Oliver's finishing a puzzle
• Writing a poem
• Kissing