Resistance.

I'm sure I am resisting so many ways my life could be happier and more functional. But I'm also resisting constricting expectations.

I resist the typical stay-at-home mom role. My child and I both have challenges that may require a radical approach.

I resist the common expectation that couples don't like each other much. Josh and I have gotten comments like "You must be newlyweds" and "Just wait. That won't last." Some people don't seem able to bear our mild show of affection, and it's not even a PDA complaint.

I've resisted going out with Josh when we have a grandmother to care for Oliver. It's unnatural to us now, but we'll get better, and Oliver doesn't seem to mind at all.

I'm resisting buying new clothes after my medication-fueled weight gain. But I want to be comfortable and appropriate when I meet with the people who are helping Oliver. Today, I'm going to look for dress pants at Loft.

I have resisted friendships most because I doubt my ability to keep up. But I need all the support I can find.

How to Feel Less Lonely.

A disability can feel incredibly isolating. A room full of people may be wildly overwhelming and still not meet the need for conversation (especially about the illness), connection, affection, or intimacy. Here are some ideas for pushing through the loneliness.

• Connect more deeply with characters in a book. Always be reading something with characters you can bond with, even if you're also reading other books or magazines that have no such thing.
• Casually visit your bookselves. Remember the experience of reading a particular book. Remember that book for which your imagining was so expansive that you can revisit that setting in your mind. 
• Happen upon an exciting book you've been saving for no good reason. Begin. 
• Write letters. If letters are too ambitious, find some lovely postcards (a museum gift shop?) to send. This may rekindle a relationship or at least bring you a response.
• If you're not actually alone and if it's appropriate, ask for hugs. Josh and I realized we were barely touching during the day. Now, I just walk into him for hugs. 
• Communicate (letter, call, visit, chat, E-mail) with someone you have neglected, such as an old friend or an inquisitve relative.

Reminders.

Inside the cover of my journal, I write down little reminders to help me stay calm, brave, and healthy.

• Reduce chaos. Create beauty.
  I've read that reducing chaos (clutter, lack of structure, schedule changes) is so vital for people with bipolar disorder. But when I get rid of something, something else always tries to rush into that space. So I'll fill it with creativity and loveliness.
• Write through it.
  I did this one day at work when I was breaking down. Setting words down in a little notebook helped me hold my brain together.
• Introduce others to beauty.
  I love introducing Oliver to showtunes and taking Bruce to shows. I recommend books like The Five Love Languages. I'll keep finding more ways to do this.
• Don't let fear win!
  This is a big one. It's not about not being afraid. But I can beat fear and still do and be as I wish. I may not always win, but I can win enough.
• "All is calm; all is bright."
  These words are so reassuring. I want them on pillows and T-shirts.
• "Read books and don't despair" --Mom.
  Mom is great at making me feel like everything will end up okay. And she reminds me that reading is a great coping strategy.
• "Minute by minute, that's how you win it." --Newsies.I love how this is a pin-prick focus. Every choice in every moment influences my health and relationships. Even a tiny bit of courage can carry me forward.

Stability and Richness

For me, stability seems to requires

• structure
• little to no work 
• limited stress (difficult because I can get stressed about almost anything)
• limited clutter (difficult because I'm messy)
• reliable relationships.

Of course, none of these are easy to get or maintain. Josh's work schedule gives me some structure. During breaks, Josh makes a daily schedule so that I know exactly when I'll have alone time and when he will be away from home. I also have consistent activities with Bruce. Anything spontaneous is extra.

Stability and the elimination of chaos should create room for richness.

• Deep reading and scribbling during scheduled alone time
• True engagement with the people I love
• Deep and funny conversations
• The rediscovery of forgotten books, movies, plays
• Room for new blessings to rush in.

Cleanse - Recover - Develop (Stephen Overman)

Somewhere, this caught my attention. I want to try applying it to my experience.

Cleanse

• Purge anger and trauma through therapy.
• Identify sources of fear--why am I afraid? Discuss in therapy.
• Purge lingering unsafe thoughts.
• Clean up self-perception around diagnoses.

Recover

• Stay in touch with self. 
• Don't let fear grow wild. 
• Learn to identify and communicate moods and problems.
• Use workbook and book exercises.

Develop

• Read everything.
• Expand blogs and connect with others.
• Explore what can make relationships more satisfying.
• Choose three goals for therapy. 

What could those three goals be? 

What I Can/Can't Handle.

Awareness of my condition in the moment seems to be so important to day-to-day survival. Something that drifts over me one day could drown me the next. I have people who love and protect me, but I still need to get in tune with my capabilities and how they shift.

I Can't Handle

• Criticism when I'm especially ill
• Angry E-mails
• Lack of alone time to recuperate
• Uncertainty of a close friend's or relative's attitude or mood toward me
• Vacuuming (even though I did it every day when Josh was in the Army)
• Going without Dr. Pepper.
• Scheduling appointments and such--too complex and confusing
• The time-out gate. It tries to make me look like an idiot
• Apocalyptic movies
• My mom's being mad at or disappointed in me
• Too much remembering
• Actually asking for financial help
• Long, intimidating books
• My loneliness
• All these children crying in the halls
• Oliver's trying to play with the water heater
• Oliver's standing on (or jumping off) dangerously high furniture
• Seeing a lot of my own blood
• Being stuck somewhere without enough water for my extreme dry mouth.

I also want to celebrate what I can handle. Some of it is surprising.

I Can Handle

• Oliver, for the most part! We generally have peaceful times together. He's usually not very high-strung around me. We'll see if that lasts.
• A friendship crisis. I've gotten pretty good at helping my friend feel better or at least feel that we are in it together.
• Being a friend, with certain accommodations
• Therapy. I thought it would be a sobbing confessional, but it's not. I usually leave in a better mood. 
• Not spending money--that's new. Nothing seems utterly necessary. 
• Writing with a Le Pen without pushing too hard (a challenge).
• An incredibly difficult birth. But not again...I need to remember how strong I was. The strength must still be in me somewhere. I wonder if a manic birth is different. 
• Tough books when I want to try, when I'm determined.
• Seeking affection (more than in the past).

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Alternatives to Self-Harm.

Few of these ideas are the pleasant, comforting sort. When I'm ill enough, when I reach the frustration and despair point at which hurting myself seems like a possibility, I've got to push hard through that burn I feel physically as well as mentally.

These ideas can help you Decrease and Demonstrate Your Pain in Safe Ways. You deserve relief and expression.

• Tell someone. This one is vital. Clarify if self-harm only a thought or if you are actually unsafe. 
• Then, arm wrestle with him or her. Or ask for a back-popping bear hug. You'll be safer, and you'll use up some of avalanche of terrible feelings. 
• Chop off your hair, shave your head, or dye your hair a dramatic or unnatural color. I cut and dyed my hair when something terrible happened, and I knew I'd never be the same person. It was outlandish and kind of brutal, but it calmed my impulses and expressed the changes in me.
• Paint nails a harsh color. Try black with red glitter.
• Get an extra piercing. Maybe staying with the ears is best. A momentary pain may jolt you into remembering that pain is not going to help.
• Go to the dentist. Ouch. 
• Wear too much eyeliner. Black. You'll feel strange and mysterious.
• Run. Especially if you don't run. The lung and muscle burn may, in just a sprint, clear your mind.
• Write an well-deserved angry letter. Don't send it.
• Watch a scary movie. It's likely to distract you until the worst calms down.
• Do abs exercises until you're almost ready to throw up. 
• Take a very hot but not too hot bath.
• Write, pushing hard with the pen or pencil. Almost rip the page.
• Tell someone else. The people near you need to know. They need to be ready.