Amazing Occurrences.

• I went to a psychiatrist, and with the psychologist's notes and about 20 minutes with me, he arrived at my diagnosis. I could believe something like that could happen so immediately. But with a couple of diagnostic codes, my life made more sense, both for my past and my future. I felt fear but also liberation.
• Josh. Just everything.
• When the NICU nurse brought Oliver to me hours after his birth and my surgery, Oliver looked at me with amused love, as if he wondered why I got so afraid. 
• Lying on my side when my blood crashed again, I was sinking from the air mattress to the hard frame beneath. I felt sure I was going to die. I'd done all I could for Oliver, and he seemed to be okay. Josh would have Oliver. I didn't tell Josh or my mom--I didn't want to scare them. I prayed to God, "Remember me." But I didn't die.
• I can go right back to the L&D room. So many vivid memories.
• I'm mostly stable. How? How long will it last?
• I walked into a deep friendship and haven't tried to escape (lately).
• We've been slowly getting Oliver everything he needs to deal with autism. So far, the seemingly impossible has somehow happened, so I'm trying to hold onto that.

Reasons to Celebrate.

I have been stable for about 3 months. I still have some troubles (anxiety, major short-term memory problems, occasional racing thoughts), and I don't always know the difference between symptom and side effect, which frustrates me. But I don't have soaring-then-crashing moods or deep darkness. I get confused but not as much. I'm usually able to read and write at least a little I'm well enough to reach for the people and things that make me feel like or at least imagine a whole and well version of myself.

My stepdad, Shane, visited recently and asked to watch Riverdance. It reminded me of the joy and the sense of control dance gave me. My mind slowed down and rested in contentment.

I'm also trying to learn how to give people opportunities to show me love I can feel or register. I'm trying to be kinder and more generous. I'm constantly praying, "Let me only have kind thoughts," and I have been trying to start speaking those kind thoughts.

Invest.

"Be willing to invest in yourself financially, emotionally, and spiritually." --Elizabeth Berg

I think invest was my word of the year last year or the year before. Investment expects a return but not necessarily a quick one. Scribbling I do now could become part of a memoir five years from now.

Investing financially probably means acquiring the tools and space for one's art or one's wellness. Luckily, I can write almost anywhere. Some people need a studio. I have pens, paper, and a laptop. I might invest in stamps to send off submissions, most of which will come back to me. Sometimes, I invest in something that will make writing more attractive, such as a beautiful journal.

But we also invest in our health. I have hospital bills and so many therapy and medication copays. The cost is massive, but I have to invest in my stability, even when nothing seems to be working.

Emotionally, I'm sometimes not even able to connect to characters in a book. How can I invest in myself emotionally? And how is spiritual investment different? Investing in theatre tickets is both financial and spiritual. Emotionally, I need to invest in compassion for myself--allow myself to feel. Therapy is an emotional investment too--one that does not give instant results.

Spiritually, I pray, and I use affirmations to keep me from hitting the floor or floating away.

Avoiding a Life of "Quiet Desperation."

This was Thoreau, yes? Do most people really live that way? Do I?

I'm not especially quiet. I probably tell nearly everything to Mom, Josh, and Bruce--at least, I tell one of them. I scribble, which is private but still powerful. I have two blogs, and most of what I need to say fits into one or the other. Sometimes, I'm too good at hiding how I feel. Now that I'm not working, though, I don't try so hard to hide. I'm also not always as good at acting as I think.

Desperation. Sometimes I'm desperately tired, as if I can't do another thing. I can be desperate for affection, sometimes suddenly. Maybe people would be different if they got more hugs. I can add more hugs. Simple, but maybe effective.

Affection, words, and rest. If I have too little, I falter. I need hugs and hand holding and such. I need books stacked around me (my internal structure seems to start decomposing rapidly if I'm not reading--some book, any book). And I need to rest. Sometimes I need an actual nap. Josh and I think it helps my brain heal itself. Sometimes, I need a social break. Being social drains me, so I need dark and quiet and stillness to recover.

These three categories are non-negotiable. I can't let go of them. Josh sometimes demands that I go nap. I've been requesting more hugs from him. Asking is often the most difficult part. I need to learn what I need and how to get it or ask for it. Often, the offer is better than I'd hoped. I have people who are willing to help me get better and stay stable. I need to be brave about asking.

WRAP: Wellness Recovery Action Plan.

A group Mary Ellen Copeland led created this plan. It reminds me that I should work on the Bipolar II workbook. I'm sure it will help even if I have Bipolar I.

I like that it's an action plan--not something philosophical. I wonder if a template exists.

I'll start with what I think Wellness and Recovery mean for me.

Wellness

1. 8 hours of sleep with little interruption
2. Normal weight (not over)
3. Three normal meals 
4. Regular exercise that gets easier as I get fitter.
5. Dental work
6. Regular quality time with Josh
7. Regular therapy

Recovery

1. Little heavy resistance
2. Knowledge about my disease
3. Feeling more able to tell my story
4. Better ability to manage or debunk stress
5. Pliable sadness--not the anvil of depression
6. Ability to engage in my favorite activities and enjoy them. 

So how do I get there?

• Resume abs and other exercises
• Walk more. Walk to Bruce's for walks and movies
• Complete bipolar workbook
• Read another book on BSD
• Schedule time for Josh and me
• Push myself to read or write even if it's just a little
• Soothe stress with music
• Schedule appointments well ahead

She Designed a Life She Loved.

I saw this on a piece of wooden wall art at Francesca's.

I don't think I've done a lot of this. Mostly, we've reacted to what has happened, so we get a degree, move, change jobs.

We've lived in our current apartment for almost 4 years. Our second longest stay was about 1 1/2 years in a cute duplex. For some reason, I smell cinnamon when I think of that place. Cinnamon and hot carpet. Choosing where to live is a huge part of designing a life. It affects every detail, day and night.

Job is another massive design element, one that relates to finding a home. Not working is sometimes an option. I think this is something I will love, especially if it eventually gives me some alone time to keep up with the house and uphold my creative practices.

Simple, reading (and, for me, writing) has a massive impact on the depth and courage and beauty of daily life. Days are often flat without a book.

Stability, for me, will probably include scheduling. Josh and I use our synced Google calendars every day. I need to see what it coming, when I'll need the car, when something will interfere with my routines. It helps me know and feel where I am.

Craving Consistency.

This is probably important for most people with mental illnesses. I didn't realize how much I needed to know exactly what to expect even though I know details or the whole situation may change.

I sometimes want to be outwardly spontaneous and adventurous, and I may want to attract those kinds of people. But in reality, I often want to be left alone for hours with my solitary activities like reading scribbling, and various forms of scrapbooking. I like to know when I will have this alone time.

I'm similar with relationships. Spontaneity can be great as long as it is in addition to regularly scheduled quality time. On a bad day, anticipating a walk with my friend the next evening can be a great help. I need to be able to count on certain people, places, and activities. They help me gear up for the inevitable shocks and disappointments that will come.

To create consistency, Josh has made family schedules that account for each hour. Bruce and I walk on Thursday and Friday, watch a movie on Sunday, and sometimes see a show on Saturday. I think it's made our friendship stronger. It has certainly made me stronger and, I think, more reasonable and calm.

I'm thinking about other ways I can create reliable structure now that I know how important it is.

Stability and Richness

For me, stability seems to requires

• structure
• little to no work 
• limited stress (difficult because I can get stressed about almost anything)
• limited clutter (difficult because I'm messy)
• reliable relationships.

Of course, none of these are easy to get or maintain. Josh's work schedule gives me some structure. During breaks, Josh makes a daily schedule so that I know exactly when I'll have alone time and when he will be away from home. I also have consistent activities with Bruce. Anything spontaneous is extra.

Stability and the elimination of chaos should create room for richness.

• Deep reading and scribbling during scheduled alone time
• True engagement with the people I love
• Deep and funny conversations
• The rediscovery of forgotten books, movies, plays
• Room for new blessings to rush in.

Affirmations for Stability.

Brief insights and images can be powerful for me. I include a few inside the cover of my journal, where I'm likely to see them every day. But I also decided to make a list of such affirmations, sentences that encompass what I need to believe and remember in order to remain stable. Even if I don't believe them now or every day, pondering them can help to reset my mind. Here are some of these affirmations:

• I am safe.
• I have joys to look forward to.
• I am deeply and wildly loved.
• I have earned self-confidence.
• It's okay for me to love myself.
• Indulgences are important.
• I embrace joy rather than guilt.
• Shame has no hold on me.
• A little bit of anything good adds up.
• Reading calms and fulfills me.
• I am a talented and capable writer.
• My writing matters to other people.
• I am capable of bringing others joy.
• Someone needs what I write.
• My beauty is not dependent on my weight.
• Feeling beautiful is okay.
• My intelligence and talent are not delusions or illusions.
• I distribute my limited energies well.
• Forgiveness surrounds me.
• I love my life.

I wonder what your most important affirmations are.