Alternatives to Self-Harm.

Few of these ideas are the pleasant, comforting sort. When I'm ill enough, when I reach the frustration and despair point at which hurting myself seems like a possibility, I've got to push hard through that burn I feel physically as well as mentally.

These ideas can help you Decrease and Demonstrate Your Pain in Safe Ways. You deserve relief and expression.

• Tell someone. This one is vital. Clarify if self-harm only a thought or if you are actually unsafe. 
• Then, arm wrestle with him or her. Or ask for a back-popping bear hug. You'll be safer, and you'll use up some of avalanche of terrible feelings. 
• Chop off your hair, shave your head, or dye your hair a dramatic or unnatural color. I cut and dyed my hair when something terrible happened, and I knew I'd never be the same person. It was outlandish and kind of brutal, but it calmed my impulses and expressed the changes in me.
• Paint nails a harsh color. Try black with red glitter.
• Get an extra piercing. Maybe staying with the ears is best. A momentary pain may jolt you into remembering that pain is not going to help.
• Go to the dentist. Ouch. 
• Wear too much eyeliner. Black. You'll feel strange and mysterious.
• Run. Especially if you don't run. The lung and muscle burn may, in just a sprint, clear your mind.
• Write an well-deserved angry letter. Don't send it.
• Watch a scary movie. It's likely to distract you until the worst calms down.
• Do abs exercises until you're almost ready to throw up. 
• Take a very hot but not too hot bath.
• Write, pushing hard with the pen or pencil. Almost rip the page.
• Tell someone else. The people near you need to know. They need to be ready.

How to Fight the Disease.

Right now, I feel it coursing through me, making my head ache, my shoulders clench, my mind lose its ability to sort and analyze. So I don't know how to fight it. I told Josh, told Bruce. I always try to tell. Sometimes, that's all the fight I have in me.

I'm paying attention to color. I put Oliver in the bath. I took half a Xanax. I ate a meal. I'm writing. I guess I am doing small things to fight the disease.

Maybe I'll take Tylenol, see if that will help with my head and muscles. Call Mom--talk about what's making me anxious. We didn't talk yesterday. I can read. I see more light outside though it's white rather than yellow. I need to see my friend--talk, laugh. That almost always helps.

I haven't outlined a battle plan here, but I've gathered some ideas. That may be all I ever have.

My Professional Identity.

Why should I write about this? That persona is gone, or it will be. I guess I may use it a little in some situations. I may miss it a little. In some ways, that was my major identity. Bruce saw the real girl. My boss suspected.

My work identity...she dressed well and with personality. She showed off my favorite colors. She ended up having a cute, fairly personal office after a couple of years. She expected to stay long-term. She in't accept excuses or criticism she disagreed with (these crumbled toward the end). She wanted to be left alone with a pile of work. She emphasized and demonstrated free writing. She walked with long strides. She didn't her age matter. She believed in her talent and in her practice. She wanted new experiences, new classes to keep her awake and alert. She hid her sickness and her darkness well. She came back too soon and stay too long. She rode highs productively. She hardly exists anymore.

Okay, I think I can recycle a good bit of this...be bold, creative, dedicated.

Maybe I still have more than I think.

The Soul as Water.

I read this somewhere, and it made me curious. What is water, and how is it like a soul? First, I have trouble differeniating among mind, heart, and soul, so perhaps any of these terms would fit. Don't expect this to be a perfect metaphor.

• Water moves to freer spaces. The soul shuns confinement an can rush to the wild--for good or ill.
• Water is essential to life. We need our souls also. They make up the majority of what we really are, even deeper than what we may think or feel. And we need soul from others--most often in some form of art (music, literature, theatre, and such) and some extraordinary relationships. We need to share ourselves that way too. Expression. 
• Water makes an impression on land, rocks, glass--but over time. We need persistence and patience. The soul is powerful but can be destructive if we expect it to act too quickly. Some pieces of glass in my life are still sharp-edged. Others are cloudy and soft, ready to go in a jar or a painted dish.

That's my attempt. Can you think of more ways a soul is like water?

Wishes I've Not Made Yet.

It's okay to wish, to wish something will come and to wish something away. Wishes can be huge or can seem insignificant. So I'm wondering what wishes I've hesitated to make, maybe because I'm ashamed or scared or because they seem to selfish. Here are some that crept out of the dark when I let them.

• I wish to feel always useful or worthwhile, even if I end up being disabled.
• I wish to have pretty handwriting more easily. It's gotten difficult, and I sometimes don't recognize my own words. This may relate to medication or a particular mood cycle; I'll try to track it.
• I wish for survival this summer.
• I wish for pages that can handle markers and fountain pens. 
• I kind of wish I knew if I will end up in a hospital.
• I kind of wish we'd known all this earlier.
• I wish I could go swim in a deep lake.
• I wish I were a stronger reader.
• I wish I were better at tracking moods. 
• I wish my doctor were more available.
• I wish I could spend time with an expert on bipolar disorder.
• I wish I took learning about the disorder more seriously at least some of the time.

What wishes are waiting? Are they really so terrible or silly?

Reduce Chaos: Organization Questions

I've heard and read that reducing chaos is essential to stability for people with bipolar. As a fairly messy person with a deep connection to objects, I really have to think about this in terms of my space. One of my mantras is Reduce chaos; create beauty. Here are some questions I try to ask myself when I try to reduce chaos in my physical space:

• What is this? It seems simple, but sometimes, I haven't been paying enough attention to see what has crept into my space and taken up permanent residence without my really knowing it.
• Do I need it? Why? When?
• Do I want this?
• Is it useful and beautiful (from William Morris)?
• Is it at least useful or beautiful?
• Could I sell this?
• Could I give it away?
• Would soeone else use this more?
• Would someone else enjoy this more?
• Was this a gift?
• Am I keeping it out of guilt?
• Am I keeping it out of laziness?
• Should I throw this away?
• What would Mom say about it?
• Where can this belong?
• Is this space accessible?
• Is this space in the way?
• Will I remember where I put this?
• Do I have to buy or find other parts to use this?
• If I moved, would I bring this?
• How does this reflect my dreams or my daily life?

I imagine I could use these questions metaphorically too and try to clean up my psychic or mental space.

Affirmations for Stability.

Brief insights and images can be powerful for me. I include a few inside the cover of my journal, where I'm likely to see them every day. But I also decided to make a list of such affirmations, sentences that encompass what I need to believe and remember in order to remain stable. Even if I don't believe them now or every day, pondering them can help to reset my mind. Here are some of these affirmations:

• I am safe.
• I have joys to look forward to.
• I am deeply and wildly loved.
• I have earned self-confidence.
• It's okay for me to love myself.
• Indulgences are important.
• I embrace joy rather than guilt.
• Shame has no hold on me.
• A little bit of anything good adds up.
• Reading calms and fulfills me.
• I am a talented and capable writer.
• My writing matters to other people.
• I am capable of bringing others joy.
• Someone needs what I write.
• My beauty is not dependent on my weight.
• Feeling beautiful is okay.
• My intelligence and talent are not delusions or illusions.
• I distribute my limited energies well.
• Forgiveness surrounds me.
• I love my life.

I wonder what your most important affirmations are.