At many points in my life, I think I have been both high-symptom and high-functioning. In my experience, this is a terrible combination. Most people assume that a high-functioning person needs little or no help.
As my illness becomes more and more apparent a few years ago, I was still going to work and trying to appear competent and present. I was well-groomed, fairly articulate, and mostly cheerful in appearance. I was functioning (according to others), but I was crumbling. Dissociation and hallucinations started. I started writing and saying things that made no sense, including grading comments to my students.
A few days ago, I chaperoned a field trip for Oliver's class. Driving to another city, parking, finding our way around, dealing with Oliver's mini meltdowns--it all felt completely beyond me. I did it, more or less, but the cost was great. I'm still feeling it.
Some days, even basic survival seems nearly impossible. I want people to know that though I show up and may appear well in a situation, it's possible and even likely that I'm sacrificing my sense of safety and my sanity for it.
