10/7/20
I'm in the psych ward, trying to write with a black crayon I found in a drawer. It's hard, but it still feels good. The crayon is blunt. I'm glad to be out of the ED. It didn't take two nights this time! I wish I had a pen or marker. My journal got there, but my markers didn't. Two girls have been talking to me--T and M. T is loquacious and had bipolar. Apparently, crayons are allowed, so I'll ask Bruce to buy me some for tomorrow. He's supposed to come in an hour for a one-hour visit. It would be too hard for Josh to come. Mom says she and Shane will come on Friday. I hope I won't be here much past then. Dr. A (whom I saw last time) said a short stay, a couple of days.
Dinner was better than ED food. Pasta with meat sauce, salad, broccoli, and an orange. I want to eat a bag of potato chips. I miss Josh's touch.
Sleep time.
10/8/2020
I feel different today. Not really about my situation--it still seems pretty hopeless, but my mood is light.
I got a pencil. I'm not letting go of this crayon though.
Anyway, I'm smiling. Do I like it here? Having a journal makes a difference. I slept a lot last night, better than I have in a long time. I'm sure that's related.
Weird--when I got up, I saw [Oliver's psychiatrist] at the nurse's station! I almost fell over. He said, "Hi," and I said, "Hi, Dr. F." I don't know if he recognized me or just noticed my bizarre pause. It would be interesting if I saw him. I saw 5 or 6 doctors around all at once. So I'll probably see someone else.
Here's breakfast. I see bananas. Pancakes, eggs, bacon. I didn't eat everything; we get a lot of food.
Maintenance just reset the fire alarm. Nobody freaked out.
Mom tried to call me last night, but the nurse couldn't wake me. I'll try to call her this morning before group at 10:30. T is getting a call at 9, in about 5 minutes, so I'll wait until after that. I don't know when I'll see the psychiatrist. I'm kind of sleepy again. I saw a PA at around 6:30 this morning.
Dad called last night while Bruce was here.
I don't have much. I'm hurting in ways I hate. I should be over that. I posted an Asia lyric on Tuesday night. Mom Googled it. The whole song is about betrayal.
Well, I met with Dr. F and two other doctors. It was really hard. I cried, and I've been crying since. He knew me. He had told the others about Oliver.
Now, I have a marker because I'm in group therapy. I think I'll be here for a while. Dr. F said, "a few days." Oh. I was thinking I might be done tomorrow. But my kidney function is low, so they're not increasing my lithium.
Group therapy wasn't too bad, despite the ball tossing. I'm super thirsty. I miss my big ice-filled water bottles. I don't have my little pitcher because someone was cleaning my room when group was starting.
I'm starting to miss Josh. I'll try to call him soon. We don't talk well on the phone, so calls aren't usually satisfying. I have no idea how he feels, if he feels anything. Maybe he's just trying not to feel anything. Well, Mom will be here tomorrow. I don't know if I'll see her or Josh. I'd like to see either. But I really miss Josh.
I don't know if Oliver's new meds are doing anything. Dr. F asked, but I hadn't been there to see.
I miss cold cans of Dr. Pepper and Cherry Coke. When I head home, I want to stop for a drink.
Lunch is in about an hour. I'm excited because of a drink--I'm not hungry.
Group again. I had lunch, not so great. Salad and mandarin oranges were good. Meatloaf, carrots, mashed potatoes, not so much. Best? Ginger ale with slush-like ice. My kidney function is still low, and my veins are slow--people are asking if I'm dehydrated. Water access is tough. I drink warm water from the bathroom sink. Is that what everyone does? I wish there were an easy way to get ice.
After lunch, I called Josh. I don't know how he feels. But I'm glad I heard his voice. He won't call me. me. Mom will. I'll see Bruce in about 3 1/2 hours. That will be a relief.
After the call, I got my blood taken again. I've been stuck 4 times today. My hands and wrist are sore.
I napped a while, and then, I meant with M, a social worker. She was young and nice. We talked about writing and theatre.
I'd like to have an exit plan. Did I even spend a full day here last time? I know I didn't go to group. Now, I've gone three times. What will I do all day on the weekend when there's no group?
I'm just glad to have my journal. And I have some access to writing utensils. I brought this journal because it has thick pages.
After group, I'll shower and change. Then, it will be almost time for dinner. After that, it will almost time for Bruce's visit. Then, I'll go to bed. Maybe I'll have another good night's sleep and wake up feeling good. I wonder if I'll see Dr. F again. Do doctors get a couple days' rotation or just here and there? I wish I hadn't been weepy--that hurt my chances of leaving. I'm not going to say I'm ready if I'm not ready to try. But I feel close. THree nights seems to be kind of magical. Of course, this time was different.
Squirrels are chasing each other.
I wish I had letters from Josh. I would press them to my heart.
Last night, Bruce and I were so excited to see each other. I was so sleepy, but we talked and laughed. Getting hugs was a relief. I look forward to more. I wish Josh could come though I understand why he doesn't. Maybe I'll see him tomorrow. I wish I knew how he feels. Would that be too hard? Is it a mercy right now that he's not emotive and he's made that such a part of his identity?
Dinner is done. I had a burger and fries. D, the kind nurse I remember from last time, just gave me some ice and a pencil. And Bruce arrives in 40 minutes. So things are pretty good.
I have a building headache. Is that from dehydration? Stress? Neck tension? I'm surprisingly not tired. My neck is rock solid. No massages for me. I've watched a lot of Chicago P.D. This headache is bothering me, and my breathing isn't great. I don't think I'm allowed to take anything for pain because of my liver, so if I told a nurse, it would only be for documentation.
I could watch Crimson Peak again. I'd like to see more with Tom Hiddleston.
D will be leaving soon, and I overheard that he has a 3-day weekend. Bummer. He's so nice. I'll miss him.
20 minutes. I'm cold.
I miss Oliver. All the kid commercials make me miss him more. He's my baby. I'm not a good enough mom. I wouldn't be so stressed and hopeless if I were. I would be able to absorb it all somehow. I don't get energy from motherhood like others seem to. I wish I did.
It's a'time. Whew. It's been a long day.
10/9/20
I feel pretty strong today. I just had breakfast and expect to see the doctors soon. I saw Dr. F go by.
I feel ready to try again.
My dreams were full of group therapy and crime drama. But I slept well. I miss Josh but not too badly. It doesn't hurt.
I'm cold. I turned off the unit in my room, and I have the blanket over my lap. I would lie down, but I'm expecting the doctors.
Will I be able to read any of this later? The blunt crayon is bad.
I think most people sleep most of the time. T takes 3 showers a day. I took a longer one yesterday. That was nice. My showers at home are quick. I could wake up earlier.
Mom thinks it's time to homeschool Oliver. The thought gave me some relief. No more computer or performance. Real focus on where he is--colors, ABCs, counting, writing his name. The breaks we need. I am a teacher--maybe I'll thrive on it. Bruce thinks it's a good idea. Mom is going to help me set it up.
She also wants me to stay at the hotel with them after I get out--step down. Sounds smart.
I guess I'll call Josh after group or after lunch. I don't know if he's trying to work.
My bleeding and pain have decreased, thank God.
That awful headache follow me into the night, but it was gone this morning. Whew.
A new girl, T2, is very unhappy. Of course. Do we all just act okay because we want to go home?
No familiar staff now. But the doctors and the social worker are the same as yesterday. Can they tell I'm smiling at them behind my mask?
I need to use hand sanitizer more. I forget it's there.
I have the first 2 Mark of the Lion series books. Should I try to read? How many years ago did I read them?
I'm just glad I have a journal with quotations and stickers.
I'm thinking happy thoughts about Oliver. He's so cute and smart and determined. We have so many love-filled memories. When we got ice cream the day before his birthday, he gave me a real kiss.
The blood draw bruise on my wrist is awful. Blue and rose.
I don't know when Mom is coming today. I just hope someone will visit tonight. I'd be really sad if not.
30 minutes until group. Being outside will be good. Everyone gets excited about that. We're all just kids.
Words are scratched around the window. I can't read them. Except HATE and MAKE ME. Yikes.
Maybe I won't see the doctor this morning? Surely they wouldn't skip me.
A sweet nurse just spoke to me. She had a seahorse on her ID! She actually sawm with them in Bermuda! I didn't see her name.
When I get home, some new clothes should have arrived. Did I send off my Stitch Fix? So many little things.
In group. It's cooler and cloudier. A noise--thunder? Artillery? Yard equipment? The fence is high, but nothing like the pine trees. That seems like a poem line. Maybe the last two lines. Maybe I'll write a poem about this stay.
The doctor came and got me right after group started. Two more male doctors were in the room. I mostly talked to her at first, telling her some of what I've written. My hep panel was negative, whew. But my kidney and liver function are still concerning enough that I need to stop Topomax and take something other than lithium. Dr. F said that I'll need dialysis or a transplant in the next 5-10 years otherwise. Scary! Not having lithium is scary too, but it's not saving me. They're going to make an appointment with Dr. D.
Dr. F asked me what would be different at home. I told him Josh said that Oliver is waking up less on the new medicine. I told him about the homeschool idea, and I told him about the removal of the ABA cap. He seemed satisfied and said, "I don't think we need to make any changes or keep her over the weekend." She seemed to agree though she impressed upon me the importance of my results. I agreed to work closely with Dr. D. And Dr. F said I could go home today! They said it would probably be this afternoon, which is soon! I'll try to call Josh after group and let him know. He can inform the council.
What would be different if Mom had answered the phone? If Josh had gotten up? But Bruce was connected. He said, "Go to Josh now." And I obeyed. I told him last night, "You did good." He said he thought a direct command would be effective. Not a suggestion. I don't know what Mom knows about what happened. She may not want to know. I won't volunteer. I wonder how she will help when she is here.
Whew, I'm tired of wearing a mask so much. Group is almost over. I'll miss this marker. But soon, I'll have all my own pens.
I talked to Josh. Unsurprisingly, he didn't react to my discharge. But he did sound concerned about my kidneys. He's going to tell Mom and Bruce.
Will I blog about this? Mom won't read it anyway [so I won't edit].
