3-5 Things.

 "The world, she knew in her madness, was littered with shiny bits and precious pieces...She pressed, reached, picked, and gathered."

~Kelly Barnhill, The Girl Who Drank the Moon 143

Josh and I have each struggled with depression since we were teenagers if not before that. I've been having a good month with no depressed days so far. Josh has been having a harder time. We've been trying to get more time together and more rest. We took a week-long break from news and social media. And I suggested that we start telling each other about good little things about each day. I said I'd tell five and he could tell three. We've been doing that every day (and sometimes the next morning). 

At a time when I was rather insane (likely a manic period) many years ago, I started my blog Sparkle Scribbles to force myself to notice the good in each day. This had a major impact on me, so I wanted to share that with Josh. I don't know if it's helped him, but I know it's been good for me. I make a space for the list in my journal each day. It's one more little light against the dark.

Mood Tracking.

I have an old planner, red with gold hearts, in which I wrote a couple of sentences about my moods and symptoms each day. It's strange to read because at that time, I was having hallucinations and other psychotic symptoms. I was also working full time. 

I don't have such bizarre symptoms to track now, but I still see the value of tracking my moods. Last February, I started using Silk and Sonder planners. Each planner covers one month and includes a mood tracking page with six mood options. At first, I thought six moods were too few, and I didn't think I could give each day just one mood. 

However, I decided to try it. I have since settled on these moods:

• Joyful
• Passionate
• Hopeful
• Depressed
• Exhausted
• Anxious

On Joyful days, I feel an actual bright happiness. On Passionate days, I'm deeply involved in my life, often reading or writing with great focus. On Hopeful days, I don't feel wonderful, but I feel okay and at least somewhat positive. 

On Depressed days, I feel down or miserable. On Exhausted Days, I may be weary of everything, I may be physically worn out, or I may be sick. On Anxious Days, I may be manic, irritable, or worried. 

These six moods basically cover the range of my typical feelings. I choose a mood based on my primary, dominant, or overarching feelings for the day. I often journal about how I'm going to track a day.

December was a great month. I had several joyful days, which included my trip to New York. I had lots of hopeful days and some passionate days. I had some anxious days, one exhausted day, and amazingly, no depressed days! 

My mood tracking since has been more erratic and has included more negative emotions. January was a difficult month. February is a little more positive and consistent.

Mood tracking is a great way for me to get an idea of my mood trends, especially as they connect to certain seasons, months, events, and medication changes. Mood tracking can also give me an idea of my mood cycles or mood consistency, which makes reporting to my psychiatrist and therapist a lot easier. I've found it to be quite worthwhile, and it only takes a few seconds each day. I use stickers or colored pencils to mark my moods each month. These stickers are from MegBMakes on etsy. 

How to Survive a Night (or Two) in the Psych ER.

The psych ER can be a miserable place, and almost anyone with suicidal thoughts or intentions ends up there for a night before going home or transferring to the psych ward. During my first hospital stay, I was in the psych ER for two nights. I didn't have access to anything; I had nothing of my own. Here is what I learned to do:

• Stretch. I did this a lot, and it really soothed my tense body as it gave me something to do. Try all kinds of stretches. 
• Use the phone. Usually, one is available if you ask. I had to talk on the phone while standing in the hallway. Hearing a loved one's voice is grounding. I brought a list of phone numbers with me to the hospital, and the nurses let me keep it, so try that or memorize numbers.
• Try to tune out. Since everyone is talking to doctors and using the phone, you may hear some disturbing things. Try not to think about it.
• Watch TV. A psych ER bay usually has a TV. Watch it. Ask the nurse to change the channel. I don't typically watch TV or find much comfort in it, but the silly sitcoms on the Disney Channel helped the time pass.
• Walk. If you have space in your bay to walk a few steps back and forth or around your bed, do it. You won't be allowed to walk in the hallway. 
• Sleep. As much as possible, close your eyes and sink into sleeping. No one is going to judge you for it, and you literally have nothing more important to do. Sleep until the next meal, the next check-in with the doctor, the next time you have to go find the bathroom.
• Remember. Carefully retrace anything you've memorized, such as poems or scriptures or even song lyrics. Take yourself step-by-step through a dear memory. 

It seems endless, but it will end. Once you get to the psych ward, you'll have more space, you might have your own clothes, and you'll be able to talk to other people. You'll feel more like yourself.