What I Know about Myself.

• I try hard.
• I'm obsessive.
• I could be better.
• My expectations are often too high.
• I have bipolar disorder.
• I have panic disorder.
• I'm a terrible test taker.
• I usually seek undivided attention from those closest to me.
• I can live without soda, but I don't want to.
• I have a shopping problem when I'm manic.
• I'm smart, even if the tests disagree.
• I have a sweet name even though it has some bad associations.
• I'll be on medication for the rest of my life.
• I'll probably be in therapy for the rest of my life.
• I'm somehow both nicer and meaner (maybe fiercer is better) than I was ten years ago.
• I'm quite introverted. 
• I'm extremely passionate and need safe, healthy outlets.
• I became a pretty good dresser.
• At many points, I was a great teacher.
• I'm a picky eater.
• [Yet] I'm overweight.
• I may never again be as thin as I was before I started taking lithium.
• I have too much fear inside me.
• I'm much healthier as the stay-home mother and advocate than I would be if I had a job out in the world.
• I'm a makeup lover.
• I rarely expect products (conditioners, lip balms, acne treatments) to work.
• Glitter lights me up.
• I'm a believer, even though I don't go to church.
• I do most things to excess or not at all.
• Gifts are my love language.
• I can be a good gift-giver.
• I can be a good storyteller.
• I am full of stories.

What Makes Me Anxious.

I have panic disorder in addition to bipolar disorder, and I want to tell you some of the situations that, sadly and absurdly, can make me panic.

• Waiting for a table. I don't know what to do with myself.
• Ordering a meal--what if I break or stutter? Worse, what do I do if the order is wrong?
• Talking to a cashier. Often, if I only see one item I want, I'll just leave it. Only 2+ items are worth the studied friendliness and ease.
• Going to the post office. I hate having to ring a bell to pick up a package. Sometimes, one of the employees busts me for being in the wrong place.
• Ordering coffee or whatever. Will I get it all right? I try to appear competent. 
• Most books--getting started is a little stressful, even if I 'm excited to read the book. I see myself as a weak reader. I try to work through that with my "Bold Reader" posts on my other blog.
• Anything related to a car. Josh kindly makes sure I don't have to get gas on my own. Driving still stresses me, and I do it as little as possible.
• Taking Oliver out with no one else. Will he run from me? Will he melt down? How will I handle that in public?
• Getting distressed when Josh seems unwell. He's not very forthcoming, and I don't know what to do.
• Being a guest. I often feel like a nuissance, always in the wrong place, having no clue how to help or seamlessly enter a conversation. The discomfort can be so major that I sneak off to take a short nap or just lie down in a dark room. This recharges me enough to try a little harder.
• The possiblity of running into people I know (though that's sometimes good). What do I say? How to I explian where I am in life?
• Large dogs. I try to stay clear.
• Product writing. Am I at all capable? Will my ideas work? Can I focus?

These are some moments that can make me panic. I'll work on learning how to approach them in better ways. I have come a long way since childhood.