Your Hospital Bag.

 You can find plenty of articles and posts about what to pack in a hospital bag if you're expecting a baby. But a bag for psychiatric hospitalization is just as important. Having belongings you've chosen is a great comfort in a behavioral health ward. 

Remember that at first, you won't have your belongings. A hospitalization begins in the ER. The psych ER is locked down, and patients don't get to keep anything. If you think of it, leave your jewelry at home. You'll get a hospital gown. You won't even keep your underwear. But the staff will store your bag and bring it to the ward when you transfer. The psych ER is a real bummer, but the last time I went, I wasn't even there for 24 hours.

Buy or set aside items for your bag. Assume that you won't have the chance to pack anything before you leave for the hospital. Have everything ready. After I was diagnosed, I went to Target and bought everything for my bag. Everything in your bag should be extras.

Pack in threes. In my experience, a psych ward will allow you to have three changes of clothes, so don't bother bringing more than that. You'll be able to do laundry if you need to. 

Don't bring toiletries or cosmetics. You probably won't be allowed to have them. The staff will provide you with a toothbrush, toothpaste, a comb, shampoo, body wash, deodorant, and lotion.

What to Pack

1. Underwear (3). Choose comfortable extra underwear for your bag. If you need a bra, pack two or three sports bras. Underwires and other hardware usually aren't allowed.

2. Pants (3). A lot of psych wards won't allow drawstrings or zippers. I bought three pairs of identical black leggings. 

3. Tops (3). Go for soft, short-sleeved T-shirts (in case the ward is hot). Choose colors you like. 

4. Cardigan (1). Remember to avoid jackets with zippers or drawstrings. An open cardigan is best. That will keep you comfortable if the ward is cold.

5. Socks (3). They just need to be comfortable and extra.

6. Shoes (1). Most wards won't allow shoelaces, so buy an inexpensive pair of slip-on sneakers.

7. Slippers (1). You may prefer to shuffle around in slippers. I bought pink ones with polka dots to cheer me up. 

8. Pads or period underwear. If you menstruate, bring what you need. Remember that health changes can alter cycles, so be prepared. Tampons may not be allowed. Having the pads you prefer will be so much better than using the bulky hospital pads. The staff will probably give you several pads at a time and keep the rest locked up, so you can just ask when you need more.

9. Journal or notebook. Avoid spirals. Even if you don't usually like to write, it can be quite soothing at the hospital.

10. Crayons. These are likely the only writing utensil you'll be able to use without supervision. Make sure they're new and sharpened, but don't bring a set with a sharpener. 

11. Paperback book. Hardcovers are usually not allowed. I pack two large paperbacks that I've already read and liked. This way, the books are comforting instead of unsettling.

If you have an unusual prescription medication, you may want to bring it with you in case the hospital pharmacy doesn't have it. This happened to me with Seasonale birth control.

Some wards will allow you to have other items such as blankets or pillows from home, but wait and ask when you get there. Your visitor can bring these to you if they're allowed. 

Pack your bag now. I thought I'd never use mine, but I've used it twice. It will give you peace of mind.

Taking Steps.

Getting groceries is complicated. 

Most of the time, Josh and I go to the grocery store together on Wednesday mornings after we take Oliver to school and before Josh goes to work. Occasionally, this doesn't work out, and I get groceries by myself. 

Getting groceries alone a few weeks ago made me notice how much I need to divide tasks into steps. Grocery shopping requires six steps:

1. Shopping
2. Getting everything on the belt
3. Paying
4. Loading groceries into car
5. Bringing groceries inside
6. Putting away groceries

I have to think about each step and mentally check them off. I have to be deliberate in my thinking and action, especially if the task has a social element.

When I taught college English, I made massive to-do lists, breaking down my work:

• Make test
• Make answer sheet
• Copy tests
• Make test key

I couldn't just think or write Get test ready. 

This may seem fastidious, but it's a great way to get through tasks particularly if you are overwhelmed or dealing with anxiety or depression. Most days, I think through steps with something as simple as a shower:

• Face wash
• Shampoo
• Razor 
• Body wash

I also have the get-ready steps of brushing my teeth, drying off, getting dressed, and brushing my hair. When I wear makeup, I think through those steps too:

• Powder foundation
• Eye shadow
• Eyeliner
• Mascara
• Lipstick/balm/gloss

If I'm really ambitious, I may start with face primer and eye shadow primer and add highlighter or blush. These steps are a lot more enjoyable that shower steps or grocery shopping steps. But I did have to stop using liquid foundation and finishing powder because that was too much. Find ways to reduce the number of steps or the difficulty of the method. But don't just combine steps.

If your task seems too big (and some days, everything just seems impossible), break it down. You've heard that before. But I mean really break it down. Every step you complete is a great accomplishment. And every success makes you stronger for the next step. And sometimes, you won't be able to finish all the steps. That's okay. Skip the eye shadow. Put away the cold groceries and leave the rest on the counter until tomorrow. 

Write it down. It's less scary when it's not just filling up your head. Make a checklist. Make a checklist on a small white board and write with wet-erase markers for tasks you do regularly. I like to use a vertical layout planner so that I can have my appointments and my to-do lists in one place. Rather than scratching items off the list, I now mark them with a glitter highlighter. That's more fun, and it's lets me see how much I've already done. 

Give yourself credit. I know I have to pick up my son from school every day and make his lunch, but I put these on my list every day, and I highlight them. Celebrate your progress even in tasks you often do. This can only help you.

One Year.

 This week hasn't been easy for Josh. Yesterday marks one year since I last went to the ER for myself. That was the night of my suicidal intent. I don't think of it as an attempt because I never took any pills or used the razor. But I think everyone else thinks of it as a suicide attempt, and I can understand that. I did write notes. 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I all but gave up. Suicidality is a hard thing to forgive. I know this. And with fear, I remember how gone I was. I was all hurt and dread with no end. For those minutes, that hour, everything else was gone. Hope was certainly gone. Integrity was gone. Responsibility was gone. Even love was gone. It is the ultimate selfishness. I was no longer a person but a void. 

But I didn't hurt myself. I was still talking to my best friend, texting. He said GET JOSH NOW and I did. I showed him everything. He said, "You know you have to go to the hospital, right?" My friend came and took me there. My son was asleep.

I spent one night in the psych ER and two nights in the psych ward. I journaled with a blunt black crayon. I slept often. I went to group and individual counseling. I showed nurses my body, free of self-inflicted wounds or scars. I lifted my breasts so they could check underneath. 

That was a year ago. It hasn't been an easy year, but I've not come near where I was. I was deeply depressed through much of the winter, unable to do much but sleep. Showering was impossible some days. It's still hard. My son, most likely aware of my state, had major behavioral issues and anxiety. He hit and grabbed me often, leaving bruises up and down my arms. I couldn't fix myself. But I did not give up. My doctor prescribed a new medication. And another. And another. I took my meds, went to telehealth therapy sessions, dragged myself forward. 

I track my daily overall moods with colorful hexagon stickers. Last month, only two or three days were blue for depression. Only one day was brown for mania. My illness is in check. Josh and I are connecting better than we have in years if not ever. My son is now going to a school just for kids with autism, and he's now on a medication that dramatically decreases his anxiety and limits his meltdowns. He hasn't bruised me in a long time. 

I look out. I look forward. At least once a day, I just want to hide in bed. I buy too many pretty little things as if I'm trying to embroider the tatters and anchor myself to the physical world. I play loud music to distract me from the exhausting and anxious task of taking care of myself, of showering, of dressing, of putting on eyeliner on a good day. I show Josh my mood charts. I coach myself, often through writing, on every step of every day. Now, I can pick up my son from school. I can do a load of laundry. And I've been taking writing classes that show me I still exist, that I still have substance and intelligence and passion. I read books even though it's often like scraping my brain.

I'm not all better, and I probably never will be. But I am okay. I get many glimpses of better-than-okay. I get lonely. I get scared of what I have to do, whether it's an online meeting with Oliver's therapist or a trip to the grocery store. Sometimes, I wonder what the point is. The days keep coming on. But I don't live in dread anymore. I see hope and beauty and humor. I'm glad I'm here. Most of my days are pale pink for hopeful. 

We're all traumatized, and a chunk of that is my fault. Death has been an airborne infection. But I'm alive. I plan on being alive next year when this hard time comes again. I plan on saying I'm sorry, and I plan on forgiving myself. Forgiveness isn't a one-time endeavor. Forgiveness is a cycle, something I have to replenish, to choose again and again. I'm ever in a present progressive state of forgiving myself and everyone else. 

But I'm one year away from it now. 

Duality.

 I just started using the journal/planners from Silk + Sonder. This is one of my favorite pages.