RC: The Clothes Plan.

RC, Reduce Chaos, is what I call efforts to make my life like stressful, mess, disorganized, and unpredictable. Even when I'm stable, I can feel the seething chaos in my mind. Waiting. When my external life is more serene, beautiful, and consistent, that chaos inside me quiets down.

One form of chaos, unfortunately, came largely as a consequence of my being compliant. Since I started medication, I have gained a massive amount of weight. Two medications in particular are probably the culprits. But those are the meds that limit suicidal thoughts and limit hallucinations. Not really optional. I also self-medicated with soda, which I've now quit doing.

Though I'm sad and uncomfortable with this change (my body seems like a stranger to me), I'm having to accept that at least for now, it's just the reality.

Over time, I've bought a few pairs of pants and several tops in my current size. Some of my older clothes do still work too. But our closet is dim and crowded. When I taught, I kept work clothes in my big white wicker wardrobe and play clothes in the closet. But even with color organization, finding something to wear can be difficult.

So I have a plan, and I hope I'll follow through on it (and that it will work). The guest room closet has some clothes--Josh's cold weather items, some suits, and some dresses. I need to narrow that down first.

Then, I want to move all my work clothes to the guest room closet. As I do that, I'll watch for items that need to go to Twice or Goodwill. I'll put aside shirts that fit and that I want to wear now. Those can stay in the wardrobe.

Next, I'll go through my everyday clothes in the master closet. I'll take out items that need to go to Twice or Goodwill. Then, I'll take out everything that fits now and put it in the wardrobe--my current wardrobe, which gets better light and easier access.

Ta-da! Everything else can stay in the closet for now since I do intend to lose weight. I'm hoping for the near future but trying to work with the present reality.

Word of the Year.

Yesterday, I asked my therapist if she had chosen her word for the year. She hadn't heard of this. It's basically a single word that helps you focus on who you want to be or how you want to experience life this year. I told her that a couple of years ago, my word was Invest. She said she knew I had invested a great deal in my wellness. I told her about other words people close to me are using: Intent, Advocate, Be. I told her she should think of one.

My word of the year is Delight. This year, I want to delight in all I can, and I want to delight the people around me. I want to cultivate that wonderstruck state and seek delightful learning and experiences in the space of freedom I have.

As I left, my therapist told me to have "a delightful day."

Today's Happy Thoughts.

• I have glitter on my nails.
• My beautiful faux opal ring.
• No extra appointments today.
• The crackling candle beside me.
• Feeling brave enough to go out alone.
• I've been stable for over 6 months.
• Letting go of the grammar and word choice obsession.
• I seem to have somewhat broken my addiction to soda.
• I've been draining pens, which means I've been scribbling a lot.
• I found several books at home for my new "Children's Lit Winter" plan.
• I'll see my mom soon. 
• Josh loves his job.
• The living room is warm.
• I filled my pill box last night, so I don't have to worry about that for a while (I hate doing it).
• I remembered that I ordered some good books on writing for the library when I was teaching. I hope they reach the hands of those who want to write.
• Oliver is getting so brave.