Yesterday was a blur. I don't remember going to bed. At work yesterday, I discovered a comment on a student's paper. It said, "Include all your painful nights, but you look good and normal." Was this addressed to me from my subconscious? Had I actually been asleep? I had no memory of the words. I didn't even remember finishing the paper (which is why I looked back at it). Bruce said I should check the other papers. I did, and I have several more odd little notes.Then even last night, I texted nonsense to Bruce.
The only other time I remember writing in my sleep or close to sleep was when I was sixteen, when I think I was having a long manic episode. How can I do my work if that might happen? Josh said I looked awake. I don't remember feeling sleepy then. It scares me. I already had little control of my sleep, but what if I write something inappropriate on a paper and don't realize it? I'll probably have to ask Josh to check for me as I go.
Another weird and awful experience I'm having is blurry vision. This started a few days ago. I can't read. Letters rearrange themselves, stretch, shrink, and turn into other letters. This, too, is making work quite difficult. I hope it will go away soon. It's the same with or without my glasses. Traffic lights and brake lights double or triple.
Apparently, Abilify can cause sleep disturbances (whatever that means) and blurred vision. The pharmacist was unsure about the sleep or trance-type writing. He said that could be the meds or could be the illness itself. I don't like not being able to tell the difference, and it's happening more and more.
Just yesterday, something else started: sudden involuntary jerks, like the kind you might have right as you fall asleep. It makes me feel like something like a piano is crashing next to me. My muscles get hot, and my tendons tense.
The hallucinations have been creeping back in. Often, I just think something is moving on the floor, or I see movement at the edge of my vision. I saw the red streaks on the road again a few weeks ago. I saw a soldier standing in his ACUs, standing outside as I passed. I turned, and I only saw trees.
The worst one lately, though, was this weekend. I was sitting on the floor in the guest bedroom, getting something from the bottom book shelf. I heard a man's voice from beside and above me, first hushing me and then whispering something I couldn't understand. I thought it must be Josh--who else?--even though it didn't sound like him. I looked up and over. Then, I made the loudest sound I've made since I can remember. It felt like a scream, sounded to me like a shout, and sounded to Josh like a yelp. The fact that no one was in the room with me was terrifying. I got out of the room and leaned against the wall, panting.
On Friday night, I started taking new prescriptions. Dr. N increased my Abilify from 10 to 15. He said that will get rid of the hallucinations. He also gave me a script for Cogentin. This was supposed to calm that maddening agitation and shakiness, which he said the Abilify is probably making is worsening. I don't know yet if the higher A dose is doing much yet, but it may take a while. The Cogentin seems to be working though. I've had almost no physical agitation, and my shaking is better. So I'm excited about that. It makes getting ready for work and being at work and just existing much more bearable.
A few days ago, I felt completely tired of living--exhausted and apathetic. I didn't want to live. I wasn't suicidal, but I had had enough. I couldn't manage to find anything to look forward to, even though I knew that didn't make sense. Every day seemed like something was dragging me through a thick, cold mist. I feel as if I never really rest.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Monday, December 8, 2014
The Truth, at the Moment.
Trigger Warning: This post briefly discusses suicidal
ideation with no description or specifics.
I wish a certain word existed: one that means better or improved but that does not mean all better. When people who aren't right in the core of it ask me how I'm doing, I don't know how to answer. Better but not all better? I can say a little better, but that seems evasive.
Anyway, I've been taking Abilify in addition to my lithium (now a slightly lower dose), Wellbutrin, and a beta blocker, for a little over a month. Has it really been that long? I know the Abilify has been making a difference. I sleep a little better even though I still wake up every half hour. The sleepiness has finally started to fade out, and I was afraid the higher dose would bring it back. I just started the higher dose a few days ago.
I'm not sleepier yet, but I have terrible blurred vision .When I try to read (or type!) letters disappear, rearrange themselves, and become other letters. Josh got some artificial tears and helped me use them. I never aim properly when I do it myself, so I lay stretched over the armchair and held open eyelids, so he could put in the drops.
Before I started Abiliify, I was having increasing suicidal ideation. My brain was working on that without my mind's permission. It was just there all the time, at the edges of my mind, with an occasional, "Hey! You should think about this!" Hallucinations came back. After I'd started the Abilify, I noticed that I wasn't hallucinating and that my suicidal thoughts were basically gone. I figured just these two changes (my most alarming symptoms) alone were worth the medication.
The suicidal thoughts returned for a couple of days, but at least they weren't a totally random flare up. I was highly stressed, suspicious (which, interestingly enough, is common to people with BSD--bipolar spectrum disorders--and is their version of paranoia), humiliated, ambivalent (the mind and emotions getting yanked in two directions at once), intermittently angry, guilty, and terrified. Still, I had no plan or intention.
Unfortunately, the hallucinations started popping up while I was on 10mg of Abilify. They're still around after the switch to 15mg, but I hope that will change soon. At work last week, I looked out through one of the glass doors and saw a soldier in his ACUs. I looked closer, and he was gone, a tree in his place. In the shower, I saw a shadow on the wall waving at me. Movement happens in my peripheral vision so often (probably even more now with the vision problems). I've seen, for split seconds, old pets on the floor by my bed or watching me while I get ready or do something in the kitchen. Objects so easily turn into something else.
The scariest, though, was yesterday. I was sitting on the floor in the guest room, organizing my stickers (massive collection) when I heard a hissing exhalation like a man shushing me. It was coming from a spot next to me but up, as if he were standing right over me. I thought it was Josh, even though the voice sounded nothing like his. The voice said a word or a few words, but I couldn't understand. So I stopped and looked up to see what Josh wanted. No one was there. Some straggled scream/yell tore out of my chest. I got out of the room and had to breathe hard for a while. I told Josh about it. Then, I went back inside. Without the weird mini hallucinations, I'm afraid to be alone. I don't know what I'll see or how I'll react.
Probably with all this and work stress and other stress, I began feeling hopeless. Well, not began really; I've always had pockets of hopelessness. But last week, I had no desire to live. I wasn't suicidal; I didn't have a desire to die. I just didn't want to go on with my daily life. And I have started inadvertently collecting reasons that people I love would have better chances at happiness without me. I never really understood people's thinking that way, but I do now. And I know that my thinking that way, whether or not I indulge it, is not a good sign.
So I hope Abilify will take all that way--at least that much. My doctor also prescribed me Congentin, which is for Parkinson's disease and now to combat side effects of psychiatric meds. I've had much less shaking, restless and exhausting agitation, and inability to get comfortable. It was becoming really noticeable, and more importantly, it was maddening. I think some of it, at least, was the illness itself--a manic thing. But the doctor thought the Abilify was making it worse. Either way, I'm relieved something is working on something!
The last couple of days, I've felt okay. I know that could (and will) just in a week or a minute from now. But I try to use the gifts of calm while I can. The internal landscape of the moods makes me think of the beach. Sometimes, a storm is raging. The water is dark and ominous, crashing and tossing. Deafening thunder.
Other times, it's sunny, and people are laughing, brightly colored towels and tents are everywhere, and the Italian ice cart just came by. But that doesn't last long. The sun turns to a glare and starts to burn me. My swimsuit straps are driving me crazy. Everyone is talking talking talking, and they are everywhere. Even the water scratches and irritates me. But when I get out, I'm too cold. I try looking for pretty shells, but they're all broken along with bottle glass that the sea hadn't had time to soften yet. I come to a washed up jellyfish that is dying. A cluster of little boys are poking it with sticks. Only one boy comes over, tears in his eyes, and dumps a bucket full of salt water onto the jellyfish. We catch each other's eyes for a moment; I don't know what to do either.
And other times, the sky is bright, but I can still see the lightning in the distance, and a rhythmic devil rain is tapping me on the head and shoulders incessantly. We have an idea: we'll use the sticks to get that jellyfish in the bucket. I carry it, not wanting the boys to get hurt. I walk out up to my knees and toss jellyfish out ahead of me. I walk back, and seemingly moments later, the jellyfish is washing back up toward the sand. I don't know much about jellyfish, but it’s clearly dead. The bucket boy and I just stand there and watch the waves push the jellyfish farther and farther out of the water. We just stand there. It died anyway.
And the weather could change at any moment, for any duration, to any extreme.
I wish a certain word existed: one that means better or improved but that does not mean all better. When people who aren't right in the core of it ask me how I'm doing, I don't know how to answer. Better but not all better? I can say a little better, but that seems evasive.
Anyway, I've been taking Abilify in addition to my lithium (now a slightly lower dose), Wellbutrin, and a beta blocker, for a little over a month. Has it really been that long? I know the Abilify has been making a difference. I sleep a little better even though I still wake up every half hour. The sleepiness has finally started to fade out, and I was afraid the higher dose would bring it back. I just started the higher dose a few days ago.
I'm not sleepier yet, but I have terrible blurred vision .When I try to read (or type!) letters disappear, rearrange themselves, and become other letters. Josh got some artificial tears and helped me use them. I never aim properly when I do it myself, so I lay stretched over the armchair and held open eyelids, so he could put in the drops.
Before I started Abiliify, I was having increasing suicidal ideation. My brain was working on that without my mind's permission. It was just there all the time, at the edges of my mind, with an occasional, "Hey! You should think about this!" Hallucinations came back. After I'd started the Abilify, I noticed that I wasn't hallucinating and that my suicidal thoughts were basically gone. I figured just these two changes (my most alarming symptoms) alone were worth the medication.
The suicidal thoughts returned for a couple of days, but at least they weren't a totally random flare up. I was highly stressed, suspicious (which, interestingly enough, is common to people with BSD--bipolar spectrum disorders--and is their version of paranoia), humiliated, ambivalent (the mind and emotions getting yanked in two directions at once), intermittently angry, guilty, and terrified. Still, I had no plan or intention.
Unfortunately, the hallucinations started popping up while I was on 10mg of Abilify. They're still around after the switch to 15mg, but I hope that will change soon. At work last week, I looked out through one of the glass doors and saw a soldier in his ACUs. I looked closer, and he was gone, a tree in his place. In the shower, I saw a shadow on the wall waving at me. Movement happens in my peripheral vision so often (probably even more now with the vision problems). I've seen, for split seconds, old pets on the floor by my bed or watching me while I get ready or do something in the kitchen. Objects so easily turn into something else.
The scariest, though, was yesterday. I was sitting on the floor in the guest room, organizing my stickers (massive collection) when I heard a hissing exhalation like a man shushing me. It was coming from a spot next to me but up, as if he were standing right over me. I thought it was Josh, even though the voice sounded nothing like his. The voice said a word or a few words, but I couldn't understand. So I stopped and looked up to see what Josh wanted. No one was there. Some straggled scream/yell tore out of my chest. I got out of the room and had to breathe hard for a while. I told Josh about it. Then, I went back inside. Without the weird mini hallucinations, I'm afraid to be alone. I don't know what I'll see or how I'll react.
Probably with all this and work stress and other stress, I began feeling hopeless. Well, not began really; I've always had pockets of hopelessness. But last week, I had no desire to live. I wasn't suicidal; I didn't have a desire to die. I just didn't want to go on with my daily life. And I have started inadvertently collecting reasons that people I love would have better chances at happiness without me. I never really understood people's thinking that way, but I do now. And I know that my thinking that way, whether or not I indulge it, is not a good sign.
So I hope Abilify will take all that way--at least that much. My doctor also prescribed me Congentin, which is for Parkinson's disease and now to combat side effects of psychiatric meds. I've had much less shaking, restless and exhausting agitation, and inability to get comfortable. It was becoming really noticeable, and more importantly, it was maddening. I think some of it, at least, was the illness itself--a manic thing. But the doctor thought the Abilify was making it worse. Either way, I'm relieved something is working on something!
The last couple of days, I've felt okay. I know that could (and will) just in a week or a minute from now. But I try to use the gifts of calm while I can. The internal landscape of the moods makes me think of the beach. Sometimes, a storm is raging. The water is dark and ominous, crashing and tossing. Deafening thunder.
Other times, it's sunny, and people are laughing, brightly colored towels and tents are everywhere, and the Italian ice cart just came by. But that doesn't last long. The sun turns to a glare and starts to burn me. My swimsuit straps are driving me crazy. Everyone is talking talking talking, and they are everywhere. Even the water scratches and irritates me. But when I get out, I'm too cold. I try looking for pretty shells, but they're all broken along with bottle glass that the sea hadn't had time to soften yet. I come to a washed up jellyfish that is dying. A cluster of little boys are poking it with sticks. Only one boy comes over, tears in his eyes, and dumps a bucket full of salt water onto the jellyfish. We catch each other's eyes for a moment; I don't know what to do either.
And other times, the sky is bright, but I can still see the lightning in the distance, and a rhythmic devil rain is tapping me on the head and shoulders incessantly. We have an idea: we'll use the sticks to get that jellyfish in the bucket. I carry it, not wanting the boys to get hurt. I walk out up to my knees and toss jellyfish out ahead of me. I walk back, and seemingly moments later, the jellyfish is washing back up toward the sand. I don't know much about jellyfish, but it’s clearly dead. The bucket boy and I just stand there and watch the waves push the jellyfish farther and farther out of the water. We just stand there. It died anyway.
And the weather could change at any moment, for any duration, to any extreme.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
The Ink of It.
I wrote this in my work notebook during a writing exercise
in class. I think it shows my disintegration into something. The self-talk gets
desperate as I tried to keep it together.
September 4, 2014
I got sick last night. I hope I can get through this day.
Standing is difficult. I need to be better to Josh. I’m so often frantic or
sick.
I want to know when. Spontaneous is nice but only if it’s extra. Oh. I can focus on so few things
at once. The house is slipping completely. I’m always behind with work. I want
to sleep and to go, move, find new bodies of water. Splash. Meditate on water.
I feel like a slightly different person. Is this a phase, or it this me under
the layers of cycling and sickness? I loved swimming as a child, so maybe I
pushed it away.
I have not felt well. Yesterday, I became exhausted and
unfocused during a conference call, tapping my fists on the table without
meaning to. Bruce said that I looked like I was crumbling and running out of
time to be human. Today, I’m worn out, and my limbs have a low, sickly
electricity. I need the day to end. I need the drive home. I need help. I’ve
been feeling kind of angry—not about anything or toward anyone in particular.
Music helped a little.
I feel a little like I may not handle this class. Like I may
fall and turn into a million twisted paperclips with a crash.
Oh. I’m hurting too. I need…help. And more water. And a
chair.
Halfway. Eating didn’t help with the weakness. Help. Sun.
Water streaming down my back. Water in my shoes, on my wrist. Kisses in excess.
Like stitches. Out of these clothes. Quiet! And for that engine to leave my
body and my water bottle. And a hand that does not shake. And tiny metal beads
in a bucket with a little water—sink up to my knees. An open mouth. The. Slip
tissue. Something that wiggles and isn’t gross. Banana candy that invades the
sinuses.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Triggers.
Triggers are events, places, things, or situations that spark symptoms of a disorder such as post-traumatic stress disorder or depression. In my little spiral work notebook, I worked on a list of my triggers. I don't necessarily know what state they trigger, whether they are related to panic disorder or bipolar disorder, or whether they're really just things I don't like, but I want to be as aware as possible.
Triggers
Meetings before class
Preparation for car trips
Loud, rhythmic noises (barking, alarms, loud crying)
Lack of sunlight or access to sunlight
Hunger
Jealousy
Busy restaurants
Spiders
Being tired in public
Checking work E-mail
Counter service
Missing essentials (socks, cups)
Changed decor in a familiar place
White noise
Triggers
Meetings before class
- The rush this creates is intolerable. I feel utterly panicked and trapped, and I question everything. Xanax in advance helps, but I still feel this.
Preparation for car trips
Loud, rhythmic noises (barking, alarms, loud crying)
Lack of sunlight or access to sunlight
- Josh has seen me nearly lose my composure over broken blinds. Gloomy days usually prompt depression.
- This one is mostly because I feel like the person wasn't listening at all. If he or she interrupts and then says, "Okay, so you were saying this...," and can actually repeat me, it doesn't really bother me.
- I'll bounce my leg and tap my fingers or just collapse into myself.
- I react badly to innocuous names like sweetie, honey, and such. These make me feel I'm just like everyone else. And I'd rather be nothing. I love nicknames, but they have to be uniquely mine or somehow unusual.
Hunger
Jealousy
- The slightest thing can spark this, anything that makes me doubt or question my place, my identity with a person. How ever mild, and how ever much I know it's all fine, this usually creates something like rapid cycling over the next minutes or hours. I don't even have to feel jealous.
Busy restaurants
Spiders
- My terror defies logic. It's almost heart-stopping.
Being tired in public
Checking work E-mail
- I have to set my inbox so that I can only see two or three messages at a time. Still, I often avoid my work E-mail, which of course helps nothing.
Counter service
- I can bear table-service restaurants most of the time now (and that's pretty new), but counter service stresses me horribly. I'd just as soon sit down and not eat.
- I've always been cold-natured, but now, cold leads to painful shaking and muscle spasms. I think some of this is because of lithium, but it's also how heightened (positively or negatively) the senses are in mania.
- This is obviously one that reveals how difficult I can be. I build everything up in my mind. So if I don't get what I expect, even if it's a sandwich without mayonnaise, I feel myself spinning into irritated despair.
- My mom used to say I had a hole in my love bucket. I do need constant refilling, even in a secure relationship.
Missing essentials (socks, cups)
Changed decor in a familiar place
- I can feel a change, but I don't usually recognize it right away. That feeling of change makes me feel I'm losing my grip on safety and sanity.
White noise
- Fans, noisemakers, static from the monitor, and other background sounds that soothe many people are maddening for me. They feel invasive and threatening.
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