What Could Reduce Chaos?

In February, I journaled about reducing chaos in my family. I decided to revisit those ideas and see what has or hasn't changed.

I'm going to consider small changes since my family and I have major disorders, and imagining those away doesn't help any of us.

• Having a second car. Life would be easier if Josh could drive himself to work, and Oliver didn't have to be out past 8 p.m. But we're made one car work pretty well.
  This has been a little easier in the summer because Josh doesn't go to campus every day, and he's not teaching night classes. Still, I do a lot of driving. Oliver and I listen to music. I don't see our getting another car for a few years at least. When we pay off the car we have, we'll probably just enjoy the absence of the car payment for a while. We could certainly use that money elsewhere.
  
• My being better at picking up the house. It's a major struggle for me.
  I'm just terrible at keeping up with the house. Josh has been really patient with me, and I am trying. I've learned that motivation has much less influence over people with bipolar disorder. The motivation has to be much higher (like a child out of clean underwear or an overnight guest on the way). But I'm working on it.
  
• Getting ready being easier. Sometimes, I don't even want to do the fun makeup part of my routine. Music helps some.
  This has not bothered me as much lately, though again, without the motivation of somewhere to go, I may struggle. Music has made a huge difference long-term. I listen to show tunes while I shower, apply makeup, brush my hair, and get dressed. I'm clued into the music, and the work of being human is a secondary thought. When I'm not wearing makeup, that's usually not a good sign for my mental or emotional state.
  
• Having a better reading speed and attention. I could gather more information on our disorders. I could dive more deeply into reading as a great joy.
  I have struggled terribly with reading. I can barely make myself pick up or open a book, and I know I suffer for it. I don't understand the problem unless it's another motivation issue. I know I need books; they are essential to my life and self. Somehow, I've got to push through.
  
• Having more money, of course, without any of us losing our minds in pursuit of it.
  This is worse now, especially since Oliver is now in ABA, and bills of $600 a month will start arriving soon. I can't imagine how we'll manage, even though we've already had some great help with medical costs. Getting a side job has been more difficult for Josh than we expected. And so far at least, everyone has held to the idea that my getting a job is too risky. We'll see.
  
• My being more proactive when I'm worn out and need a break.
  I'm not so good with this. Josh will usually tell me to go nap or be by myself for a while. I'm not very communicative when I reach that point. I need to continue working to communicate about all that in advance when I'm relatively well or at least able to analyze my own reactions.
  
• Knowing for sure that the people in my close family are safe and okay.
  I ask after my family, but I know that I'll just never know for sure about how everyone is. People have all kinds of reasons for hiding how they are, including their just not knowing.
  
• More energy. That would probably help with some of the other problems.
  This has not improved. I'm terribly sleepy. I can nap right where I am. Naps seem utterly necessary but don't seem to help much. If I had more energy, I might read, journal, clean, and blog more and be more present for my family. I don't know what the solution is.
  
• My clothes and accessories being more organized. I'm working on this now.
  I've made progress. I've nearly divided my clothes into what fits now in the wardrobe (my body on lithium and Abilify) and what doesn't fit now (but hopefully will after meds adjustments and some work) in the closet. I'm not done, but I can easily find something to wear.
  
• A better understanding of what my child is facing every day.
  I have books to read about autism. I spend time with Oliver and talk to his doctors, therapists, and ABA technician. I want to get it and be there with him. In some ways, we are alike. Our struggles intersect, so we can be close.

The Approach.

I can feel the crazy approaching. I'm under a lot of stress. I'm getting a lot of love and support, but the struggle, in both the physical and the mental world, continues. The anxiety and uncertainty (despite my faith) are ringing the dinner bell for the crazy. I'm vulnerable. Conditions are perfect.

I'm forgetting things. Insane things kind of make sense. I play solitaire to both engage and quiet my mind, and the cards almost seem alive--hiding, revealing, plotting. When I doodle, the words and shapes are dark.

Each day lately, I feel like God is throwing hope at me--some financial help, a donation for Oliver, a just-right gift. I try to catch the hope and hold onto it. But much of me is shivering cold and so, so sleepy. And I feel guilty because I should be better, stronger, more supportive, more resourceful.

But the guilt only incapacitates me further. The conditions keep improving for the approach. I'm not the girl who goes down the basement stairs, but I feel like the one who goes into the tent alone and waits for what's coming.