Terms: My Mania.

Bipolar disorder seems to affect people in different ways that may not be clear. At first, I had trouble matching my experience with the terms for symptoms.

Sometimes, my thoughts turn joyful or terrifying, either way running over me, over and over, until I am fragile and exhausted. I can quickly forget what I was pondering, and other ideas push to get through. But I didn't call that "racing thoughts."

Sometimes, pouring out some of these thoughts by talking to someone for a long time, jumping among subjects, leaving ideas incomplete, and generally confusing the listener can give me some relief. Over the phone and in person, I sometimes feel desperate to keep the conversation going as if I will lose the person if I let the words end. But I didn't see that as "pressured speech."

There's also risky and impulsive behaviors. I took risks growing up, but that just seemed like teenager stuff. After Oliver was born, I began shopping online, mostly for work clothes. More and more and more. It made me happy except for the bit of guilt that squeezed into my throat and chest. It was definitely risky and impulsive even though I wasn't buying cars or having affairs.

All these are still with me sometimes in various forms, though the medication sands down the edges. But I'm glad to have names for my symptoms. I know more about who I am.

My Flaws.

Flaws are inevitable, but recognizing them can give us awareness of and power over our faults. We can learn when to be extra careful. I think I'm aware of most of my flaws, but I'm sure others could add to the list.

• I can be self-absorbed. I'm a decent listener, but I'm often talking about myself or trying to get insight about myself from someone else. I'm deeply reflective on my own experience, and I"m always trying to learn new ways to take care of myself and handle my disease.
• I have trouble pronouncing words, sometimes even when the words are familiar.
• I can appear cold, especially if I'm using a persona as a shield.
• I can be cold and avoidant if I'm hurt to trying to work out a problem.
• I can be a bad friend. I can disappear for years with no explanations--I may not even know why. I sometimes feel ill-equipped to bond with and help or encourage another person.
• I have a tendency to be mean. I've worked hard on this as Josh could tell you. Of course, this mostly comes from fear.
• I don't cook. I got into cooking a few things for a while, but it's not a talent of mine.
• I can be a terrible house guest. I'm not very helpful because I feel totally lost in other people's houses, especially in their kitchens. I also may disappear suddenly and nap or lie down in a dark room when I get overwhelmed.
• I can be obsessive. I'm actually always obsessive; the object just changes. Luckily, my recent obsessive have been healthy (swimming) or at least not especially unhealthy. I will research the object and talktalktalk about it. 
• I'm susceptible to extremely rare health problems like HELLP syndrome. I also just have a pathetic immune system. 
• I can be jealous. This was much more of a problem before I began therapy and medication. I can also be possessive, but I think that can be positive in some ways.
• I can be insecure or clingy. The clingy part isn't necessarily related to insecurity. I can be highly affectionate. But yes, I have a hard time believing that a person loves and values me, so I need frequent reassurance (which is better than the constant need I had before my diagnosis). 
• I have a slightly shattered sense of self. After many terrible experiences, I still crawl around looking for who I am. I seek reminders--in my apartment, in my clothes and books, and in the people who love me most. I need people, as Madeleine L'Engle said, to "name me." This is related to the self-absorption or to what a kind teacher once called introspection. 

And oh, there are more!

Signs of Stability.

Sometimes, I'm not sure if I'm seeing myself clearly, so I asked Josh for a little help with this. When I'm stable,

• I laugh. Full-bodied. Josh calls my laughter "jolly."
• I read. Reading helps me feel healthy, and when I'm healthy, I'm more able to read. Reading defines me, so if I'm not reading well, I feel almost fraudulent in all I do. But when I'm well (a bit beyond stable), I can devour books and store up their best words in my composition books and their joy of words in my heart.
• I write. I write a lot when I'm hypomanic too, but when I'm stable, I do a lot of scribbling, but it isn't frantic. And I tend to blog regularly.
• I can watch scary movies! Up until a couple of years ago, scary movies wrecked me. Now, they don't haunt me afterward, so I can enjoy them--sometimes even by myself.
• I feel more secure (or less insecure) in my closest relationships. I'm better able to read situations and ask for what I need.
• According to Josh, I seek out what makes me happy. I wear more makeup and have fun with it. I watch movies by myself--no need to wait for someone else to be interested. I have fun getting dressed. I play with stickers. I seek the people who make me laugh.