Yesterday was a blur. I don't remember going to bed. At work yesterday, I discovered a comment on a student's paper. It said, "Include all your painful nights, but you look good and normal." Was this addressed to me from my subconscious? Had I actually been asleep? I had no memory of the words. I didn't even remember finishing the paper (which is why I looked back at it). Bruce said I should check the other papers. I did, and I have several more odd little notes.Then even last night, I texted nonsense to Bruce.
The only other time I remember writing in my sleep or close to sleep was when I was sixteen, when I think I was having a long manic episode. How can I do my work if that might happen? Josh said I looked awake. I don't remember feeling sleepy then. It scares me. I already had little control of my sleep, but what if I write something inappropriate on a paper and don't realize it? I'll probably have to ask Josh to check for me as I go.
Another weird and awful experience I'm having is blurry vision. This started a few days ago. I can't read. Letters rearrange themselves, stretch, shrink, and turn into other letters. This, too, is making work quite difficult. I hope it will go away soon. It's the same with or without my glasses. Traffic lights and brake lights double or triple.
Apparently, Abilify can cause sleep disturbances (whatever that means) and blurred vision. The pharmacist was unsure about the sleep or trance-type writing. He said that could be the meds or could be the illness itself. I don't like not being able to tell the difference, and it's happening more and more.
Just yesterday, something else started: sudden involuntary jerks, like the kind you might have right as you fall asleep. It makes me feel like something like a piano is crashing next to me. My muscles get hot, and my tendons tense.
The hallucinations have been creeping back in. Often, I just think something is moving on the floor, or I see movement at the edge of my vision. I saw the red streaks on the road again a few weeks ago. I saw a soldier standing in his ACUs, standing outside as I passed. I turned, and I only saw trees.
The worst one lately, though, was this weekend. I was sitting on the floor in the guest bedroom, getting something from the bottom book shelf. I heard a man's voice from beside and above me, first hushing me and then whispering something I couldn't understand. I thought it must be Josh--who else?--even though it didn't sound like him. I looked up and over. Then, I made the loudest sound I've made since I can remember. It felt like a scream, sounded to me like a shout, and sounded to Josh like a yelp. The fact that no one was in the room with me was terrifying. I got out of the room and leaned against the wall, panting.
On Friday night, I started taking new prescriptions. Dr. N increased my Abilify from 10 to 15. He said that will get rid of the hallucinations. He also gave me a script for Cogentin. This was supposed to calm that maddening agitation and shakiness, which he said the Abilify is probably making is worsening. I don't know yet if the higher A dose is doing much yet, but it may take a while. The Cogentin seems to be working though. I've had almost no physical agitation, and my shaking is better. So I'm excited about that. It makes getting ready for work and being at work and just existing much more bearable.
A few days ago, I felt completely tired of living--exhausted and apathetic. I didn't want to live. I wasn't suicidal, but I had had enough. I couldn't manage to find anything to look forward to, even though I knew that didn't make sense. Every day seemed like something was dragging me through a thick, cold mist. I feel as if I never really rest.
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