10 and 5.

A few months ago, basic tasks and chores took me so much longer than usual. I couldn't decipher the manufacturer's expectation and that some where on the end of this path lay money. I was embarrassed; what was wrong with me?

As this continued, I started thinking about my family's mental health. It's not so good. A dozen or more relatives on either side had bipolar disorder. They were exciting, intelligent people. I realized that I'd had a stereotypical view of was BSD really meant. But the more I read symptoms, the more I began to recognize myself now, in college, in high school, and back even further to preschool. I was starting to see myself in the way qualified authors and others describe actual experiences. I thought, "Oh. Is that racing thoughts?" and "Is that pressured speech?"

So as is common, I found out what was different about me at 28, which meant I was without treatment or with the wrong kind. But I had waited ten years for the validation, the tiny explanation that was the tiny key to everything of me and in me.

But it didn't make me better. Tasks still seemed insurmountable. What if someone interrupted me to chit chat? What if a student needs something right that second? I didn't want to risk letting the students see what was happening.

Because everything was so difficult and because I wanted to get away, I started playing 10 Things (which ought to be objects or tasks but alas, it's Things). I tell myself, okay, I'm going to start on this and do at least ten things. Sometimes these are big if I'm stronger, Today, I counted every room from which I took the trash and then every room for which I put in a new grocery store bag. This felt like a big accomplishment, and I'm so glad about that because I couldn't have done more then.

So an explosion of a room can turn into 10 things. And if I can't do that much, I ask for help, and I write down what I've done--it's like a reverse to-do list, and it's much more encouraging. Then, I can leave the task for a while or go back to work on my second set of 10 things. That limit really seems to help with my anxiety. And I end up being more productive!

Five Goals is something I started during once I came out of a trance and realized I was in a hospital ward. Each day, I would write 5 goals in my journal. I could write around them as long as I was trying. The goals can be large or small, like setting the table without command, take a walk in the sun, get an A on that test.... This way of thinking works for me. It makes me productive as I often am when manic. But even if I can't handle this situation, I can go to my car, find and remove 10 things, and put them away.

It seems to fall under the semester-long goals to reduce chaos and create beauty.