What Trauma Has Taught Me.

• I have no idea what people are capable of doing.
• I don't know much more about what I'm capable of doing.
• I needed to add to my relationships because it's healthy and so I won't be alone if one or two people leave.
• I'm stronger than I could have thought possible.
• I need to cry regularly, even though my ability to cry has diminished.
• I easily forget to eat when I'm under stress.
• Josh doesn't necessarily need my help.
• People can be incredibly generous if they know what one needs.
• Varying degrees of forgiveness exist.
• My brain is not trustworthy during or soon after a trauma.
• Memory is full of holes.
• "Some hurts never heal" (Next to Normal).
• Wearing my own clothes steadies me during a crisis.
• I need something to reach for, something that is familiar, at all times.
• Sometimes, I can do my best or even get everything right, and it's not good enough.
• I have to stay alive how ever I can.

What Could Reduce Chaos?

In February, I journaled about reducing chaos in my family. I decided to revisit those ideas and see what has or hasn't changed.

I'm going to consider small changes since my family and I have major disorders, and imagining those away doesn't help any of us.

• Having a second car. Life would be easier if Josh could drive himself to work, and Oliver didn't have to be out past 8 p.m. But we're made one car work pretty well.
  This has been a little easier in the summer because Josh doesn't go to campus every day, and he's not teaching night classes. Still, I do a lot of driving. Oliver and I listen to music. I don't see our getting another car for a few years at least. When we pay off the car we have, we'll probably just enjoy the absence of the car payment for a while. We could certainly use that money elsewhere.
  
• My being better at picking up the house. It's a major struggle for me.
  I'm just terrible at keeping up with the house. Josh has been really patient with me, and I am trying. I've learned that motivation has much less influence over people with bipolar disorder. The motivation has to be much higher (like a child out of clean underwear or an overnight guest on the way). But I'm working on it.
  
• Getting ready being easier. Sometimes, I don't even want to do the fun makeup part of my routine. Music helps some.
  This has not bothered me as much lately, though again, without the motivation of somewhere to go, I may struggle. Music has made a huge difference long-term. I listen to show tunes while I shower, apply makeup, brush my hair, and get dressed. I'm clued into the music, and the work of being human is a secondary thought. When I'm not wearing makeup, that's usually not a good sign for my mental or emotional state.
  
• Having a better reading speed and attention. I could gather more information on our disorders. I could dive more deeply into reading as a great joy.
  I have struggled terribly with reading. I can barely make myself pick up or open a book, and I know I suffer for it. I don't understand the problem unless it's another motivation issue. I know I need books; they are essential to my life and self. Somehow, I've got to push through.
  
• Having more money, of course, without any of us losing our minds in pursuit of it.
  This is worse now, especially since Oliver is now in ABA, and bills of $600 a month will start arriving soon. I can't imagine how we'll manage, even though we've already had some great help with medical costs. Getting a side job has been more difficult for Josh than we expected. And so far at least, everyone has held to the idea that my getting a job is too risky. We'll see.
  
• My being more proactive when I'm worn out and need a break.
  I'm not so good with this. Josh will usually tell me to go nap or be by myself for a while. I'm not very communicative when I reach that point. I need to continue working to communicate about all that in advance when I'm relatively well or at least able to analyze my own reactions.
  
• Knowing for sure that the people in my close family are safe and okay.
  I ask after my family, but I know that I'll just never know for sure about how everyone is. People have all kinds of reasons for hiding how they are, including their just not knowing.
  
• More energy. That would probably help with some of the other problems.
  This has not improved. I'm terribly sleepy. I can nap right where I am. Naps seem utterly necessary but don't seem to help much. If I had more energy, I might read, journal, clean, and blog more and be more present for my family. I don't know what the solution is.
  
• My clothes and accessories being more organized. I'm working on this now.
  I've made progress. I've nearly divided my clothes into what fits now in the wardrobe (my body on lithium and Abilify) and what doesn't fit now (but hopefully will after meds adjustments and some work) in the closet. I'm not done, but I can easily find something to wear.
  
• A better understanding of what my child is facing every day.
  I have books to read about autism. I spend time with Oliver and talk to his doctors, therapists, and ABA technician. I want to get it and be there with him. In some ways, we are alike. Our struggles intersect, so we can be close.

RCTs: Reduce Chaos Tasks.

Normally, I barely notice a mess, but it still probably makes me anxious. Then, sudenly, the mess is unsettling or unbearable. I may feel panic rising from my chest to my throat. This is unfortunate because I make a lot of messes (projects!) an because bipolar can damage my ability to clean and organize (all that planning and problem solving). But there are a few ways I apply my commitment to reducing chaos, an important goal for anyone with mental illness) to the work of cleaning and organization.

• When I leave or enter a room or have decided to tackle a mess, I try to put or throw away 10 items. It's bearable, and it usually makes a noticeable difference, so I'm less afraid of the mess.
• I light a candle and open window or sliding doors to freshen the apartment.
• I set out a bowl of vinegar when a room smells stale.
• I have a designated rack spot in the closet to hold empty hangers. I don't have to search for them, and they take up space and crowd my clothes.
• I make use of decorative boxes (millions are at Michaels!) for anything that doesn't fit elsewhere, such as letters, scarves, or anything that is a duplicate or an extra I'll use later. I have these boxes on top of the kitchen cabinet, in my closet, and in my nightstand. 
• I use under-the-bed boxes for sheets, gift wrap, and journals.
• I ask for help. If something is really overwhelming me and I have no idea how even to start, I ask Josh to do it or help with it. He's usually just happy to know that I trust him with a task and that he can make my life a little easier...which, of course, he does every day.

 And that's a start.

All I Want Is.

• A psychiatrist who is always available and helpful.
• A bathtub full of Gelly Rolls.
• A 10-year anniversary date with Josh.
• For my brother to be safe and happy.
• Better reading stamina.
• To meet my first babies in heaven.
• A sticker store within walking distance.
• To sticker and stamp shop with Nanna again.
• More general energy and motivation.
• A better relationship with God.
• To lose 30 pounds.
• To watch more movies.
• To have writing dates at Coffee Scene.
• To have clear skin.
• To stay home without problems.
• To help Oliver effectively, whatever his struggles may be.
• Healthy hair.
• To go help my younger selves somewhere.
• An easier time with hygiene.
• Getting my self-worth some way apart from a job.
• A representative to set up all the appointments and do all the paper work.
• For  Prozac to work.
• Love I can feel.

She Designed a Life She Loved.

I saw this on a piece of wooden wall art at Francesca's.

I don't think I've done a lot of this. Mostly, we've reacted to what has happened, so we get a degree, move, change jobs.

We've lived in our current apartment for almost 4 years. Our second longest stay was about 1 1/2 years in a cute duplex. For some reason, I smell cinnamon when I think of that place. Cinnamon and hot carpet. Choosing where to live is a huge part of designing a life. It affects every detail, day and night.

Job is another massive design element, one that relates to finding a home. Not working is sometimes an option. I think this is something I will love, especially if it eventually gives me some alone time to keep up with the house and uphold my creative practices.

Simple, reading (and, for me, writing) has a massive impact on the depth and courage and beauty of daily life. Days are often flat without a book.

Stability, for me, will probably include scheduling. Josh and I use our synced Google calendars every day. I need to see what it coming, when I'll need the car, when something will interfere with my routines. It helps me know and feel where I am.

Stability and Richness

For me, stability seems to requires

• structure
• little to no work 
• limited stress (difficult because I can get stressed about almost anything)
• limited clutter (difficult because I'm messy)
• reliable relationships.

Of course, none of these are easy to get or maintain. Josh's work schedule gives me some structure. During breaks, Josh makes a daily schedule so that I know exactly when I'll have alone time and when he will be away from home. I also have consistent activities with Bruce. Anything spontaneous is extra.

Stability and the elimination of chaos should create room for richness.

• Deep reading and scribbling during scheduled alone time
• True engagement with the people I love
• Deep and funny conversations
• The rediscovery of forgotten books, movies, plays
• Room for new blessings to rush in.

Reduce Chaos: Organization Questions

I've heard and read that reducing chaos is essential to stability for people with bipolar. As a fairly messy person with a deep connection to objects, I really have to think about this in terms of my space. One of my mantras is Reduce chaos; create beauty. Here are some questions I try to ask myself when I try to reduce chaos in my physical space:

• What is this? It seems simple, but sometimes, I haven't been paying enough attention to see what has crept into my space and taken up permanent residence without my really knowing it.
• Do I need it? Why? When?
• Do I want this?
• Is it useful and beautiful (from William Morris)?
• Is it at least useful or beautiful?
• Could I sell this?
• Could I give it away?
• Would soeone else use this more?
• Would someone else enjoy this more?
• Was this a gift?
• Am I keeping it out of guilt?
• Am I keeping it out of laziness?
• Should I throw this away?
• What would Mom say about it?
• Where can this belong?
• Is this space accessible?
• Is this space in the way?
• Will I remember where I put this?
• Do I have to buy or find other parts to use this?
• If I moved, would I bring this?
• How does this reflect my dreams or my daily life?

I imagine I could use these questions metaphorically too and try to clean up my psychic or mental space.