The Most Beautiful Version of Myself.

--Sarah Addison Allen

Audrey Hepburn said that the prettiest are the happy ones. Happiness probably looks good on me. I have a photo I keep framed on my desk (It's also at Mom's house and in Josh's office--and it was in my office) because I look happy, and I do like the way I look in it.

Tension and fear probably age me. If I take Xanax when I need it, maybe it will help with that. For a long time, I couldn't relax my brow. It was furrowed even when I smiled. Now, it's smooth much more often.

I think my other blog expresses or draws out some internal beauty. That kind of writing soothes me, and according to the few comments I've received, soothes and inspires readers as well.

Josh is always enamored of me when we are at Michaels. Maybe marveling at and daydreaming about all I could do with those supplies makes me look pretty. Yes, it's hard to imagine someone who busting with marvel and wonder not looking good.

I feel beautiful when I make the people I love laugh.

I feel beautiful when I go somewhere with Josh or Bruce because they both seem pleased to be seen with me.

I feel pretty when I dress up for the theatre. I feel pretty just writing that sentence. And writing makes me feel like a carrier of beauty. Some strings of words are beautiful, and that feels like enough.

Wearing fun, sparkly makeup and lovely costume jewelry make me feel pretty.

When I feel pretty, I'm a little better at facing the world.

Thinking Kindly of Myself.

Mama tells me to give myself some grace. Bruce tells me to be kind to myself. My meds surely affect how I think of myself both directly and indirectly through side effects. And of course, my disease tells me lies. I want to address and reframe a few of those thoughts.

I've never been as smart as I thought I was.
I have a master's degree, and my grades were no accident. I should worry less about how smart I am and work on ways to strengthen and expand my mind.

I'm not smart anymore. The disease the meds have left me mentally weak.
Some of this will pass. I still have an impressive memory, even though I've lost some of it. I've held onto so much despite the struggle. I should love my mind for that.

I'm not pretty because of my weight gain.
Josh and Bruce still say I'm pretty. Lithium can make losing weight difficult, but I can still get strong and fit and learn to love my new body. I need to focus on what I like about myself.

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