Bipolar disorder seems to affect people in different ways that may not be clear. At first, I had trouble matching my experience with the terms for symptoms.
Sometimes, my thoughts turn joyful or terrifying, either way running over me, over and over, until I am fragile and exhausted. I can quickly forget what I was pondering, and other ideas push to get through. But I didn't call that "racing thoughts."
Sometimes, pouring out some of these thoughts by talking to someone for a long time, jumping among subjects, leaving ideas incomplete, and generally confusing the listener can give me some relief. Over the phone and in person, I sometimes feel desperate to keep the conversation going as if I will lose the person if I let the words end. But I didn't see that as "pressured speech."
There's also risky and impulsive behaviors. I took risks growing up, but that just seemed like teenager stuff. After Oliver was born, I began shopping online, mostly for work clothes. More and more and more. It made me happy except for the bit of guilt that squeezed into my throat and chest. It was definitely risky and impulsive even though I wasn't buying cars or having affairs.
All these are still with me sometimes in various forms, though the medication sands down the edges. But I'm glad to have names for my symptoms. I know more about who I am.
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