Protecting My Peace.

This thought came from a Darling magazine article by Andrea Corp. What is peace? What threatens it? How can I protect it?

I think of peace as a cool, calm sensation in my chest and an absence of the singeing sludge of dread. Peace allows me to move through the world easily. It comes when I complete a major task (such as filing my SSDI appeal), when I pray hard for peace, when someone I trust is with me, and when I have nothing to worry about for a while.

So stress and dread are the main impediments to my peace. These arise in me easily, often without good reason. Taking care of a child with autism is highly stressful. Even the thought of driving stresses me out. I often dread interactions with people, even cashiers. Money stresses me out. Sometimes, reading makes me anxious because it's difficult, and I want to read so many books. I get anxious when Josh is anxious or upset.

To combat all this, I need faith and hope. Hope leads to peace. I need a peace that is not dependent on other people or outside circumstances. This is not easy, and I probably can't actually attain it, but I can work toward it. I can feel more secure by trusting others, forgiving others, and forgiving myself. Even small failures (saying the wrong thing, revealing my ignorance...) haunt me. I have to find a way to let those go. I need to find the roots of my fears. Panic disorder distorts reality.

I need to acknowledge the good in my life and in myself.  Life is hard, but I am not alone. I need to keep learning about autism and about my own disorders to combat the fear of the unknown. I need to practice courage. Peace is attainable.