3-5 Things.

 "The world, she knew in her madness, was littered with shiny bits and precious pieces...She pressed, reached, picked, and gathered."

~Kelly Barnhill, The Girl Who Drank the Moon 143

Josh and I have each struggled with depression since we were teenagers if not before that. I've been having a good month with no depressed days so far. Josh has been having a harder time. We've been trying to get more time together and more rest. We took a week-long break from news and social media. And I suggested that we start telling each other about good little things about each day. I said I'd tell five and he could tell three. We've been doing that every day (and sometimes the next morning). 

At a time when I was rather insane (likely a manic period) many years ago, I started my blog Sparkle Scribbles to force myself to notice the good in each day. This had a major impact on me, so I wanted to share that with Josh. I don't know if it's helped him, but I know it's been good for me. I make a space for the list in my journal each day. It's one more little light against the dark.

Ways to Grow.

Isn't this part of the Reading Rainbow song? Okay, how can I grow?

• Listen to Josh and to my brother James...and to both having a conversation. I usually don't know what they are talking about.
• Learn about the disorders, especially autism and bipolar disorder, that affect my family. Read the books. Ask the professionals questions. Pass on the knowledge or books to other family members or friends. This will make the disorders lose some of their power because we'll (at least sometimes) be ready.
• Plow through a long, difficult book. Don't worry about all the vocabulary and allusions; just read it. I'll become and feel like a stronger reader.
• Figure out how to get more intimacy in my marriage. We're so busy with work and medical issues, but without intimacy, our partnership will weaken, and everything will suffer for it.
• Vary the kinds of books I read--poetry, essays, short stories, novels, memoirs, and other non-fiction. But at least every other book should be for simple enjoyment--though I know that will help me grow as a reader too.
• Give myself challenging writing prompts. It's a good stretch.
• Be brave and open up about myself, maybe finding more allies on the way.

The Life I've Made.

I have made a life in which books are valuable. Oliver sees Josh and I reading every day. Josh and I respect each other's need to read, and we encourage each other though our tastes are different.

Writing is also valuable. If one of us needs to write something, everything else is immediately on hold. I have journals and notepads everywhere. Pens are plentiful and easy to find. Having the tools at hand is useful and inspiring.

I've made theatre a big part of my life through season tickets, single tickets and showtunes. I know I expand when I'm in the audience, taking in all that sound and color. And Bruce and I bond over each show.

I've made a life in which two gentle, kind men give me a great deal of love and attention. I know they will watch over me. I hope that I enrich their lives in return.

I've made a life in which fantasy--fairies, mermaids, fairy tales--has an important place. My illustrated books, our movies, and our decor all show that. They are like a map back to myself. Josh has always supported that.

I've also made a life in which it's okay to be sick--at least, I've encouraged that in small ways through books I've read and conversations I have. I always tell someone what is going on with me. All those close to me have accepted my illness.

As much as seems possible right now, I've made a quiet, safe, rich environment and life. I'll think about what else I can do. 

Resistance.

I'm sure I am resisting so many ways my life could be happier and more functional. But I'm also resisting constricting expectations.

I resist the typical stay-at-home mom role. My child and I both have challenges that may require a radical approach.

I resist the common expectation that couples don't like each other much. Josh and I have gotten comments like "You must be newlyweds" and "Just wait. That won't last." Some people don't seem able to bear our mild show of affection, and it's not even a PDA complaint.

I've resisted going out with Josh when we have a grandmother to care for Oliver. It's unnatural to us now, but we'll get better, and Oliver doesn't seem to mind at all.

I'm resisting buying new clothes after my medication-fueled weight gain. But I want to be comfortable and appropriate when I meet with the people who are helping Oliver. Today, I'm going to look for dress pants at Loft.

I have resisted friendships most because I doubt my ability to keep up. But I need all the support I can find.