Cherry 7-Up in a Champagne Flute.

It's too long but still has a good sound.

I'm home sick today. Sick is complicated. Last night, I had what seemed to be a panic attack. The shortness of breath I've been experiencing got much worse, so getting through a sentence was a yanking fire in my chest. My heart was racing. I couldn't stand, but sitting was no relief. When half a Xanax didn't make much difference, I turned on the space heater by my bed and went to sleep in almost perfect darkness. Sometimes, that's the only cure.

This morning, I didn't feel panicked, but I felt the after-effects. I was exhausted. I also had a sore throat and was starting to cough--not surprising since Oliver seems to be fighting off the same respiratory infection we passed around a couple of weeks ago. Showering was more of a challenge than it has been lately. Josh brought in a chair, so I could sit while putting on my makeup, but I didn't get that far. When I feel near tears about it, desperate to fulfill my responsibilities or whatever it is, it usually means I need to stay home. Josh called my boss and sent me back to bed.

Later, I woke up and knew I needed steam in my throat and lungs. I plinked two big ice cubes into a champagne glass and felt a cold Cherry 7-Up in my palm. The berry-pink liquid fills with perfectly suspended and surfacing bubbles that look like decorations for a combination of a roaring '20s bash and a fairy ball. I watched them as the tub filled around me with Bath and Body Works Aromatherapy Eucalyptus Tea bubbles, my favorite.

I think one of the challenges for someone with bipolar disorder (this person, at least) is doing something nice for oneself that does not involve spending money. Spending comes naturally...more on that later. But self-kindness...not so much. I'm wrong. I'm a burden. I'm--everything that deserves nothing. I'm sure I'm not the only one who experiences that. Not the only person in general even. But I know that kindness (not indulgence. Well, maybe sometimes indulgence) is a large part of what will help me get well, as well as I can get. And that kindness cannot only come from the people who love me.