Wednesday, March 23, 2016

What I Can/Can't Handle.

Awareness of my condition in the moment seems to be so important to day-to-day survival. Something that drifts over me one day could drown me the next. I have people who love and protect me, but I still need to get in tune with my capabilities and how they shift.

I Can't Handle
  • Criticism when I'm especially ill
  • Angry E-mails
  • Lack of alone time to recuperate
  • Uncertainty of a close friend's or relative's attitude or mood toward me
  • Vacuuming (even though I did it every day when Josh was in the Army)
  • Going without Dr. Pepper.
  • Scheduling appointments and such--too complex and confusing
  • The time-out gate. It tries to make me look like an idiot
  • Apocalyptic movies
  • My mom's being mad at or disappointed in me
  • Too much remembering
  • Actually asking for financial help
  • Long, intimidating books
  • My loneliness
  • All these children crying in the halls
  • Oliver's trying to play with the water heater
  • Oliver's standing on (or jumping off) dangerously high furniture
  • Seeing a lot of my own blood
  • Being stuck somewhere without enough water for my extreme dry mouth.

I also want to celebrate what I can handle. Some of it is surprising.

I Can Handle
  • Oliver, for the most part! We generally have peaceful times together. He's usually not very high-strung around me. We'll see if that lasts.
  • A friendship crisis. I've gotten pretty good at helping my friend feel better or at least feel that we are in it together.
  • Being a friend, with certain accommodations
  • Therapy. I thought it would be a sobbing confessional, but it's not. I usually leave in a better mood. 
  • Not spending money--that's new. Nothing seems utterly necessary. 
  • Writing with a Le Pen without pushing too hard (a challenge).
  • An incredibly difficult birth. But not again...I need to remember how strong I was. The strength must still be in me somewhere. I wonder if a manic birth is different. 
  • Tough books when I want to try, when I'm determined.
  • Seeking affection (more than in the past).
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