Writing and Madness.

I began keeping a journal seriously when I was 15. 16 years later, with some stops and restarts, I'm still keeping a journal. Writing can be a great treatment; it can also be an indicator of moods or cycles.

As a teenager, I wrote compulsively for long stretches of time at home and school. I think I was showing signs of mania then. At work, to-do lists bubbled and frothed into notebooks, legal pads, sticky notes. Coworkers teased me about it.

But I can see now how all that could have been a product of my brain losing control and losing hope. I used to keep a "work journal," usually a composition book or a small spiral notebook, to write while my students wrote or to take notes during visiting writers seminars. Looking back at those work journals, I can see the racing thoughts and the total confusion. I wrote nonsense on student papers. It was mortifying.

I'm a little afraid to look at old journals--would I find madness creeping in then, long before it began in earnest?

But writing is also a way to leave a faucet on until the water runs clear. Sometimes, I can get some of the crazy out of my brain and onto paper, where I can better contain it. Those quick scribbles at work held me together for those hours.

Writing was my haven long before I knew what was happening inside me. I didn't even know what questions to ask. My journal is a consistent part of my day. It grounds me, so my mind doesn't wander too far into confusion, fear, or despair.

I feel anxious when no pen or paper is right next to me, as I feel when I realize I forgot to bring my inhaler on a long walk. If I'm not writing, I may be getting depressed, or my thoughts may be too quick or too flammable for paper as I start showing signs of mania.

The writing is important in so many ways.